34 weeks!

February went by with a blur. I just wanted each day, each week to fly so that I can only get closer to Ayden's due date - April 6th. My cervix started "funneling" in February and I saw the abdominal cerclage holding the rest of my cervix together. It was scary to see it even though that was the whole point of me getting the TAC (transabdominal cerclage) all the way in New Jersey. It was scary to even think about what could've been without the cerclage!
Sometimes I think about Joey as I see Ayden growing inside of me. I grieve over the memories I couldn't have with her. What would Joey have been like around this time? I expected Ayden to be more active as a boy but he is pretty calm throughout the day. I count his kicks in the morning after breakfast and I don't feel him much during the day. I wonder if Joey would've been calmer or more outgoing like her daddy. I let myself cry on her due date, February 12th and 14th. We had two different due dates - one given by the RE and one by my OB. Who knew they would be two dates for John and I to mourn for years to come....

This past Thursday was 34 weeks....Then today was our maternity tour and a baby shower. My husband and I both had the weirdest feeling joining "new parents" in the tour. I dreaded stepping into the elevator and going up the L&D ward. I didn't want to walk into the room where I delivered Joey. I didn't want to cry. By the time we walked through the ward, I realized the new changes they made and what used to be a curtain where the nurse first wheelchaired me into that night was no longer there. They obviously created a wall around there...I didn't even remember what end of the hallway I was in to deliver Joey but John did. They used the very last room as the "fetal demise" room and probably did for every patient in a similar situation. Luckily, we went in and out of a different room and moved out of there.

Baby showers were always a dread for me back in the days. I think around my 2nd year of infertility I was so sick of going to my coworkers' baby showers at work. Then after Joey I had better reasons not to go. It was hard to decide to do one for Ayden every time I thought about Joey's absence. Yet I thank God for hubby's coworkers, our friends, our babyloss moms, and church friends who came to bless our Rainbow Baby. I felt so much peace with the reality of bringing Ayden HOME. I finally had the courage to share on Facebook about Ayden. I pray this is it. I hope we are almost to the finish line with a successful pregnancy.

The Four of Us - Joey's footprints, Ayden, Mommy and Daddy!

Thanks to Kimberly, Mommy to Eden in heaven, for doing a marvelous job with the pictures!

Our First Baby Shower - I can't believe we had one! Eight years of marriage
and we are so close to bringing our baby home....

Still Alive!

I don't know if this is an appropriate way of phrasing my baby's life. But he is STILL alive and making it each day! After passing 24 weeks this past Christmas, I felt way better...although I don't think the fear of death will ever vanish from my mind. I am so relieved to make it to 30 wks and 2 days now, yet I can't seem to erase the worst case scenarios out of my mind. I don't even want to describe my horrific thoughts just to avoid jinxing myself.
I count the kicks even though my son doesn't always have a nice routine. My hubby and I check his heartbeat with a doppler we borrowed from a dear BLM friend. I cannot imagine what this pregnancy would've been like without hearing his heartbeat through those days of anxieties.
I long for the day to bring him home alive and healthy... His name is Ayden - the boy's name we picked out with my daughter's name, Josephine, back in 2009. It might be a little shallow to get his name from a TV show like "Jon and Kate Plus 8."We fell in love with "Aiden" without realizing how popular this name was. We considered "Jayden," "Caiden," or other rhyming names yet we couldn't get ourselves to change our minds. One day our Ayden will learn about his sister in heaven....I can't wait to teach him how to say Joey's name. Miss my girl who didn't make it this far....

Is this your first child?

I'm not so sure how people have been asking this question. Sometimes they seem to word it "Is this your first pregnancy?" or as "Is this your first child?" I always appear to hesitate and I had to say "YES" to most strangers.... I hate saying it but I guess I don't trust everyone with sharing my special babies. Before I was pregnant again, I was bombarded with "Do you have any children?" It hurts to see a few of John's coworkers with newborn daughters. Last week when we met up with them and one brought her newborn daughter, I couldn't make eye contact with the mother. I felt my bitterness resurface and held back my tears thinking "Where is my daughter?" The other mother conceives easily, has an EASY pregnancy, and then pops out a healthy baby girl. My bitterness and grief are still buried in my heart even with this miracle baby inside of me. I miss my Josephine. My Joey. My first child. I have a daughter too except no one sees her. She is in heaven and it feels so far away even though we will be reunited one day.
I'm not saying I am taking my third baby for granted. My living son growing inside of me cannot replace the first child we had. I'm thoroughly ecstatic to still be pregnant yet I can't seem to face the holidays forgetting my Joey is missing....
So couple days ago I was asked again by a dental assistant if this was my first child. I felt this urge to say "No, I have one in heaven" and I felt like it was an out of body experience. I couldn't believe I just said those words. I said it and it felt good to acknowledge Joey. She asked me if it was a boy or a girl that I lost.... I shared that it was a girl. I think sometimes Baby Juno will be another selective time for me to share with others just because it will lead to more questions and me expressing not knowing the gender due to early miscarriage. For me, it's easier to share about  Joey because I know her gender... somehow Juno seems harder to share. I think all the Babyloss Moms will have their preferences and way of sharing....After reading many articles and Facebook comments of some BLMs, I recognize the uniqueness of our boundaries and the need to respect each others' differences when it comes to sharing about our babies.

A New Season: 21 weeks and 5 days

My new season of pregnancy started on August 3rd when my home preg test came out BFP. It was another scary and exhilarating moment. Juno's scenario was mostly on my mind even though the Hcg level was higher with this pregnancy than Juno's.
The first trimester was a long waiting period for me... I know I don't need to explain the feelings of anxiety to the babyloss mamas out there. Some of us had more than one losses and there seems nothing in this world to give us enough reassurance or a guarantee our next baby will be okay. Around the 9th week, I saw blood on my underwear about 2 quarter size. My legs were shaking at the restroom and all I could think about was saying goodbye to this baby as I did with Joey and Juno. I was incoherently speaking to the nurse on the phone about the bleeding. It was after a bowel movement and she persuaded me to see the bleeding as a mild incident from possibly straining too hard. I was so panicked and started crying with my husband after hanging up with the nurse.
Week 12 or 13 came around when the Walk to Remember was starting in October -  week before Joey's 2nd birthday. Until that time, I kept wondering if there will be a third ornament to hang on the tree for a third loss... I remember habitually checking my underwear for blood or to see if my water broke all throughout the first trimester.
We took weekly pictures from the beginning of the pregnancy. I regretted not taking any pictures of Joey growing and I missed out on Juno also. I wanted to have as many memories of this baby as I could and enjoy those memories.
I am under close supervision of my cervix even after the TAC procedure. I have a sonogram every two weeks to check the baby and my cervical length. My husband gives me P17 shots every week. Every sonogram is a treat for John and me since we love seeing our baby. I still get the butterflies before each sonogram just wondering if our baby is still alive! IT is so hard to persevere and to stay POSITIVE! Having a "normal pregnancy" is foreign to me. I am so blessed to have a doctor who stays concerned and have supervised me thoroughly with this one - quite a contrast to my pregnancy with Joey. We found out Joey was having a little brother at about week 16.

Today is a special milestone for John and me. We lost our loving daughter, Josephine, at 21 weeks and 5 days. In this new season, we still have our little boy alive at 21 weeks and 5 days. I hope he continues to live and grow way past 24 weeks. I am not able to blog much with my neck and shoulder pain which came out of nowhere in this pregnancy. However, I will try to write throughout the milestones. Even in my own joy, I know my joy won't be complete without other BLM's holding their rainbow babies - I am still praying and hoping for those who endured another hard year to have their living babies in their arms one day.

Joey's 2nd Birthday

My daughter is two years old in heaven today. We kept the grieving and celebration to ourselves unlike last year. Having friends and family over to the resting place last year gave me so much peace - the peace I didn't get to have without a funeral and holding her to say goodbye. I needed Joey to be validated as our baby and a person who passed away. I felt okay to celebrate between just us two as Mommy and Daddy.
It rained today just like the day she was born. No balloons or flowers today because of rain.

I always seem to ask John the same question "So what happened that day? Do you remember?" It was a nightmarish day yet I still want to hear John's side of the story over and over. While I was being induced with pills, J had to go home in the rain that morning. He was crying all by himself in the car and he doesn't remember how he made it home. He told our dog Joey was gone for good...took a shower....packed my clothes. All of this happened while I was in bed waiting to dilate. Two years ago already.

I felt guilty to not be able to bake her cake this time. I guess every year will be different. J and I will have to come up with different ways to celebrate her birthday each year.

September Memories

As my daughter's 2nd anniversary/birthday draws near, I am reminded of where I was around end of September two years ago. I remember.... in one hour of my 20 week appointment all the "bad" news were waddled up and delivered to us. Total previa - confirmed. We didn't know what that was back then. Then the eerie news that Joey's fluid was low. Was that bad news, urgent news, or something we can manage? The OB at that time merely gave me the number to call the perinatalologist after he did some sort of bacteria check. The first medical term I saw related to pPROM was "oligohydramnios." I didn't become familiar with the more common medical term, pPROM, until I went to my support group weeks after the loss.

So here I am rambling over the past....it's gone....it happened....it's done with. But it breaks my heart that there could've been MORE done for me and my baby. I should've been on bedrest and antibiotics right away even if it was too late. Yeah, I still feel this lingering anger towards the OB. I really don't think he treated me the way he would've his wife or pregnant daughter. I know there are always heartbreaking stories when I read through the PROM websites. Some moms were encouraged to terminate by delivering immediately without given alternate options. Some moms were fortunate to have miracles. I feel a pang of envy and injustice whenever I hear other OB's who went far and beyond to care for the pPROM mothers. By the way, I keep mentioning "pPROM" instead of "PROM" since 2nd trimester rupture is considered Preterm Premature Rupture of Membrane."

I don't remember if I strongly felt this dark cloud of memories last year around this time. I am just glad this month, this week is almost over.

23 month Anniversary

Today is another 9th before Joey's 2 year anniversary/birthday. She is 23 months old today in heaven. I miss her so much more these days. I find myself more emotional as I think of her more often these days. There will be more 2nd babies born this fall and winter to our friends. I have to say I know I haven't fully healed yet when I feel more envy than happiness for others. I try to say that is their life and my journey, whether I like it or not, is my life. Conceiving and having a healthy pregnancy will just be a challenge for me...my broken body....my luck. 


We were going to make Joey a name book this year as I was inspired by another BLM's book. 
I had second thoughts about it.... wondering how many people would actually respond. It was hard enough getting candlelight pictures for Joey's slideshow 2 years ago. I think they don't know how much the little things mean to us because there aren't many tangible things we have of Joey. 


We have a Walk to Remember October 1st. On her birthday, J and I may celebrate her short life among ourselves.