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Saturday, August 6, 2011

About juno

This week I thought of Juno randomly while driving. I thought about the regrets I had... such as subbing at a school couple days before the pregnancy test. I thought surely subbing a third grade class would be a breeze but of course, there was one thuggish kid who caught me off guard. I tried not to stress about it. The next day I was completely sick with high fever. I should've at least taken something for it but I didn't. That week was one of the highest pollen days and many people posted on facebook how sick they were. After the 7 week sonogram discovery of the blighted ovum, I asked the RE if having a high fever for two days could've caused it. It was embarrassing because I was trying to talk while sniffing and crying at the same time. All he could say was "Maybe, it could have." There are no definite answers to my last loss. In my mind I just wonder what in the world am I supposed to do. Should I just stay home and live like the "bubble boy" movie - protected inside a plastic sanitized bubble? Did my one decision to go out and work change the outcome of my baby? Or was this truly a defect of the chromosomes that I had no control over?

I wish I was OVERLY cautious about everything. I feel like I worked through a heavy load of guilt over Joey and now it happens again with Juno.

Joey's 2nd anniversary/birthday is coming around soon. I can't believe it.... Hubby and I still talk about her  saying "Joey would've liked this or done this." Even at Costco we pick out toys we like for Joey.

I liked these quotes about miscarriage or stillbirth from Losing Aidan blog.
"...having a miscarriage is like joining a sisterhood you didn’t want to or didn’t know about." -

"Getting pregnant is like being proposed to, and having a miscarriage is like being dumped at the altar." - Darlene Schacht,
(I especially like this one because this is the exact feeling after a loss. Once we get that positive preg test, we feel like it's another promise or hope to have a baby. I see myself waiting at the altar for the promise only to find myself abandoned by a promise. Then when I see pregnant women, I feel shocked and hurt as if I just bumped into an ex-fiance who dumped me - this ex-fiance analogy was provided by a book I read "Bittersweet" by Shauna Niequist.)