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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

September Memories

As my daughter's 2nd anniversary/birthday draws near, I am reminded of where I was around end of September two years ago. I remember.... in one hour of my 20 week appointment all the "bad" news were waddled up and delivered to us. Total previa - confirmed. We didn't know what that was back then. Then the eerie news that Joey's fluid was low. Was that bad news, urgent news, or something we can manage? The OB at that time merely gave me the number to call the perinatalologist after he did some sort of bacteria check. The first medical term I saw related to pPROM was "oligohydramnios." I didn't become familiar with the more common medical term, pPROM, until I went to my support group weeks after the loss.

So here I am rambling over the's's done with. But it breaks my heart that there could've been MORE done for me and my baby. I should've been on bedrest and antibiotics right away even if it was too late. Yeah, I still feel this lingering anger towards the OB. I really don't think he treated me the way he would've his wife or pregnant daughter. I know there are always heartbreaking stories when I read through the PROM websites. Some moms were encouraged to terminate by delivering immediately without given alternate options. Some moms were fortunate to have miracles. I feel a pang of envy and injustice whenever I hear other OB's who went far and beyond to care for the pPROM mothers. By the way, I keep mentioning "pPROM" instead of "PROM" since 2nd trimester rupture is considered Preterm Premature Rupture of Membrane."

I don't remember if I strongly felt this dark cloud of memories last year around this time. I am just glad this month, this week is almost over.

Friday, September 9, 2011

23 month Anniversary

Today is another 9th before Joey's 2 year anniversary/birthday. She is 23 months old today in heaven. I miss her so much more these days. I find myself more emotional as I think of her more often these days. There will be more 2nd babies born this fall and winter to our friends. I have to say I know I haven't fully healed yet when I feel more envy than happiness for others. I try to say that is their life and my journey, whether I like it or not, is my life. Conceiving and having a healthy pregnancy will just be a challenge for broken luck. 

We were going to make Joey a name book this year as I was inspired by another BLM's book. 
I had second thoughts about it.... wondering how many people would actually respond. It was hard enough getting candlelight pictures for Joey's slideshow 2 years ago. I think they don't know how much the little things mean to us because there aren't many tangible things we have of Joey. 

We have a Walk to Remember October 1st. On her birthday, J and I may celebrate her short life among ourselves.