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Friday, November 19, 2010

Almost Thanksgiving

My husband has been through several funerals lately; they were all related to his coworkers' siblings or child. Yes, one was a baby. We met up with this couple last Thursday. This couple did IUI like we did and conceived twins but the mom had some complications later. She later delivered her twins with a C-section at 23 wks and 6 days. I really thought the twins were fortunate to be alive; what miracles they were! One twin, Baby B., passed away after an organ infection... I am relieved that they were able to spend time with their child and even bathe her and take many pictures. Their funeral this week was beautiful. Baby B. is so loved by her grandparents and most of all, her mommy and daddy.
The mom arranged for John and I to see the other surviving twin, Baby E. I remember washing my hands and arms with hot water and feeling so paranoid that the germs would contaminate the baby. You see, deep inside I am working through this feeling of failure and extremely irrational thinking that the babies I touch will die; I don't think that I can babysit infants for a long time. Well, I will have to process this fear with a therapist one day. Anyhow, I was able to gently pinch Baby E's fingers; she even had finger nails growing. They were so precious! I thought how much smaller Joey's fingers would've been. I was not  emotional through this, surprisingly, and my husband wasn't either when he went to the NICU after me. I was only mesmerized by the tiny beauty of this living baby and how she was in such great hands by the wonderful nurses. It could've been Joey - I grieve about that. I can't believe how much 3 additional weeks make a difference in a baby's life.
My husband will be celebrating our 7th year anniversary on the 22nd. I have to say it's bittersweet as our home is empty. I feel so thankful that our LOVE has grown through the trials of infertility and losing Joey...then this tiny life that we were already dreaming about. We were apathetic and numb last year - we didn't celebrate anything. We ended up eating a hearty Crackel Barrel Thanksgiving meal right next to a family that had an infant cooing and giggling. Oh, the memories of grief! I can half laugh and half cry as I recall those moments of fresh pain. I LOVE my husband... for his honesty that he doesn't have it all together as the leader of our family and I don't either as a wife. His love for Joey drove him to establish a fundraiser for a poverty fighting organization. He made a video for Joey. He reminds me that it's not my fault that we lost Joey. He knows how to laugh and make me laugh when times are tough.
Seven Years Ago, November 22, 2003

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Waiting Sucks...

There is just no way to sugar coat what I am going through. It just sucks to wait and wait and wait. John and I waited to get pregnant when doctors kept saying that this and this should work...It was 2 years of TTC and trying out different doctors before I found out that I had endometriosis...It took 5 months to completely heal from severe postpartum back pain...It took 2 IUI cycles to discover that I had a uterine polyp hindering my pregnancy...Now I'm waiting to naturally miscarry. I guess out of all this negativity of waiting I am hoping that my body's ability to eliminate the sac will be a blessing. I would like to avoid the alternate route if at all possible.

I want to be done with this pregnancy because I'm technically not pregnant. The tiny life died early on as the sac progressed to grow. I found out online that this was called blighted ovum. My doctor didn't explain much since we were choking up in tears. Our wedding anniversary is coming up on the week of Thanksgiving. I want to be finished with this soon... I just feel sad about all this. There are days when I cannot get myself to do dishes or at least try to be productive; I cannot even leave the house. I am "angry" at my body so to speak. Ever since I found out about the miscarriage, I just started eating poorly and stopped taking prenatals religiously. What's the use? I feel betrayed by my own body. Just angry. I hope this funk won't last too long.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Another Loss

My husband and I were once again hopeful when my pregnancy test came out positive. First test: positive; second: negative; third: positive. It was October 10th, Sunday, one day after Joey's birthday. I went for a blood test on Monday and the hCG was a little lower than my doctor's standard. I was anxious but I had many friends reassuring me. The second blood test was on Wednesday and they called me the next day to tell me that it had increased sufficiently. I was relieved...
I told myself that I would be thankful for each day that this baby lived. That mindset was the only way to get through each day of anxiety. I just didn't know what my body would do even though my first trimester with Joey was not too hard. I had mild cramping with fluttering sensations, no bleeding and found online that this was the uterus stretching. Each week was a victory.
Hubby and I were looking forward to our first sonogram - I wanted to be a little relieved by seeing for myself that the baby was okay. This past Monday was the seventh week of pregnancy. Instead of "Let me show you your little baby" we heard the sono tech say "Looks like I am not seeing anything inside your sac..." SO four days have passed by and I am waiting for my body to stop thinking that it's pregnant. I still fantasize that all of this was a mistake but I am slowly seeing my stomach shrink. I am still in shock and feeling disappointment. This pain is not as intense as losing Joey. However, my husband and I endured another shattered dream. I surrender all this to God knowing that He will keep writing our story and we will pass His story of this long journey to our children. Until then, I admit that I am lost, confused, and giving myself permission to grieve... again.