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Wednesday, August 15, 2012

We Miss Joey!

It's 9:41 PM right now and my son fell asleep earlier. He is getting better with sleeping on his own in the crib at four months now. What a big boy! He is a handful though - probably because he is a BOY! I am utterly exhausted as a stay home mom but I can't take for granted watching him grow so quickly before my eyes. I wish I had the energy to log all his firsts and have the exact dates to them but I realized how motherhood fatigue can drain me. I am willing to let go of perfection and admit that I am not good at scrapbooking and preserving all the memories as I thought I would.... We don't make it to places on time.... My house is never clean....

This month my heart is wrenching with moments of grief again. I have cried already before as I talk to Ayden about Joey. My husband imagined Joey in heaven with two other friends' babies. He said he was tearing up at work. As I watch my son's developmental stages, I fantasize what Joey would've looked like at his age. I think about what she would've said about her squealing and active little brother. This month is hard for me as October approaches soon. John has to work on her birthday so we don't know how we will be celebrating Joey's third birthday. My baby would've been three if she was born alive. I am a mother to a toddler in heaven. I miss her!!!! I want to brush her hair and pin them with cute bows. I want to sing girly songs with her and watch her play with her dolls. My brother in law will be having a girl next month. It's hard enough to not be in good terms with them right now and then they are having a girl. I just want to be genuinely happy for them if I visit them at the hospital. I don't want to let grief overtake me while I am at the hospital.

Joey, you are growing up so fast while Daddy and Mommy miss out on it. We are so happy to have your brother with us and one day he'll be old enough to know you. We miss you so much! We love you!

Friday, June 8, 2012

Thank you to Bloggers

I know I wasn't a consistent blogger since blogging has not been my forte for the past 3 years. However, I don't ever regret sharing my grief online and meeting fellow Babyloss Mamas in the virtual world. I remember how dark this part of my life was yet there were glimpses of happiness I found through the virtual friendships. I never thought I would find all the support online from ladies I've never met. Through the bloggers I learned more about pPROM, incompetent cervix, transabdominal cerclage, and grief. I found my loneliness slowly diminished the more I read the words of other heartbroken moms. THANK YOU for the HAPPY comments about Ayden! So I thank these bloggers especially for all the wonderful comments they have left in the past - Carrie from Our Journey, Crystal Theresa from These Fragments, I love, and Dana from Butterflies and Rainbows. My heart goes out to those who have dealt with pPROM and incompetent cervix - I am always telling myself "Oh here is another lady with pPROM or IC or TAC!" every time I discover another blogger. I feel like a minority in my own world but the more I read I know that I am not alone!

I see Ayden and wonder how much Joey would've looked liked her younger brother. Every little mommy moments I have with him, I think about what it would've been like with Joey.... from diaper changes, to breastfeeding, and his cries. John just adores our little son and thinks he is so good looking! A little biased, I know, as any parent would be! Haha! So we have discussed how gorgeous Joey would've been as a girl.

It has been a GOOD year for many moms and rainbow babies. I am just ecstatic to see several healthy rainbow babies born last year from my personal friendships and this year in the blogs!!!! I can't wait to see everyone's baby pictures!

Here is my son again (: I don't know how many more posts I can make in the future. I may close the blog soon or find a way to print the blog as a scrapbook if that is possible (Please let me know if you have any ideas!)

Ayden with Joey for the first time and not even aware of it but one day he will know.

I'm learning to smile now!

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Ayden is here!

Joey's little brother entered this world on April 6, 2012, 10:28AM. 8lbs and 2 oz. He is a beauty, a miracle, and a gift from God. What a "Good Friday" it was! I remembered Joey in heaven because of what Jesus Christ has done for us. What a gift Christ gave John and me that Friday. Right now John and I are sleep deprived and enjoying every minute of Ayden.

I am in recovery from the Csection but here are the pics for now. Notice his full black hair!

Friday, March 30, 2012

7 More Days

Seven more days til my CSection! I cannot believe how far Ayden has made it! My OB and sonogram tech have both confirmed over and over how much I needed the TAC. I was 4 and a half centimeters dilated and the TAC is keeping my boy in.
Swollen feet and now hemorrhoids that just started yesterday. Oh boy! The last two weeks have been the hardest. I wrote on a private Facebook wall for pPROM ladies how this time I was READY for my water to break. After praying and praying for my water not to break, I am ready to deliver a little early. If mother nature doesn't let me then what can I do but to stay thankful for Ayden to be alive.

I don't think people will ever know the missing picture I carry in my grief as Ayden's birth draws near. Call me hypersensitive but all these statements "Enjoy your kids because it goes by so fast" or "Wait til the toddler years..." are somewhat bothersome. Why? Because if there is anybody who doesn't need those reminders are parents who have lost babies and experienced countless years of infertility. I have this strong sense of not taking any parenting moment for granted knowing how short my daughter's life was. My parenting life will be normal with stress and feelings of helplessness one of these days, I'm sure. I just don't want any advice from others who had their successful pregnancies while I was silently suffering infertility and losses. They all have two or three children by now. If life went my way John and I could've had Joey when we started TTC six years ago. We could've had two or three living children by now. Sure, people warn me about sleep deprivation with a newborn but what could be harder than crying yourself to sleep from seeing a negative pregnancy test for the 20th time?! Yes, our time with our little ones are precious especially when you had to let go of your baby's life and learn to live without him or her. How could I take my living children for granted?

Friday, March 23, 2012

37 wks and 1 day

Ayden is still baking in the oven. I am just thankful, thankful, thankful! The discomforts right now from swollen feet to backaches are nothing compared to a living child inside of me. I will always think of Joey and Baby Juno as I wonder what they would've been like in third trimester. I feel Ayden filling up in my uterus and I keep praying for his protection. I worry about his cord and placenta....I want everything to stay in tact and everything to keep him safe. I worried enough about the cord wrapping around him to ask my sonogram tech of her experience seeing this happen. She told me it was very rare - she has probably seen it happen one time within 7 years. That's probably not counting the time of delivery since she's not there to see the stats. But I am doing my best to PRAY and think HAPPY thoughts!

My husband gave me weekly P17 shots for about four months now. It was painful for him to watch the needle go in me. I thought Follistim cartridges were good sized needles without any knowledge of what the "intramuscular" needles looked liked. Along with the transabdominal cerclage, this progesterone shot could have saved Ayden's life. I had to alternate between my butt cheeks and seriously had to count or say the alphabet in my head to endure the brief pain. But all the welts and bruises on my butt was worth keeping Ayden in the womb.

Yesterday, my OB checked my cervix and sure enough, I was dilated or effaced enough for her to spread out three fingers! The cerclage is staying strong! Truly amazing.... I don't know where I would be without this technology. We will see if I can make it to April 6th, 39 wks C-Section. 14 more days to go.

Good Ol' P-17 shot!

Saturday, March 3, 2012

34 weeks!

February went by with a blur. I just wanted each day, each week to fly so that I can only get closer to Ayden's due date - April 6th. My cervix started "funneling" in February and I saw the abdominal cerclage holding the rest of my cervix together. It was scary to see it even though that was the whole point of me getting the TAC (transabdominal cerclage) all the way in New Jersey. It was scary to even think about what could've been without the cerclage!
Sometimes I think about Joey as I see Ayden growing inside of me. I grieve over the memories I couldn't have with her. What would Joey have been like around this time? I expected Ayden to be more active as a boy but he is pretty calm throughout the day. I count his kicks in the morning after breakfast and I don't feel him much during the day. I wonder if Joey would've been calmer or more outgoing like her daddy. I let myself cry on her due date, February 12th and 14th. We had two different due dates - one given by the RE and one by my OB. Who knew they would be two dates for John and I to mourn for years to come....

This past Thursday was 34 weeks....Then today was our maternity tour and a baby shower. My husband and I both had the weirdest feeling joining "new parents" in the tour. I dreaded stepping into the elevator and going up the L&D ward. I didn't want to walk into the room where I delivered Joey. I didn't want to cry. By the time we walked through the ward, I realized the new changes they made and what used to be a curtain where the nurse first wheelchaired me into that night was no longer there. They obviously created a wall around there...I didn't even remember what end of the hallway I was in to deliver Joey but John did. They used the very last room as the "fetal demise" room and probably did for every patient in a similar situation. Luckily, we went in and out of a different room and moved out of there.

Baby showers were always a dread for me back in the days. I think around my 2nd year of infertility I was so sick of going to my coworkers' baby showers at work. Then after Joey I had better reasons not to go. It was hard to decide to do one for Ayden every time I thought about Joey's absence. Yet I thank God for hubby's coworkers, our friends, our babyloss moms, and church friends who came to bless our Rainbow Baby. I felt so much peace with the reality of bringing Ayden HOME. I finally had the courage to share on Facebook about Ayden. I pray this is it. I hope we are almost to the finish line with a successful pregnancy.

The Four of Us - Joey's footprints, Ayden, Mommy and Daddy!

Thanks to Kimberly, Mommy to Eden in heaven, for doing a marvelous job with the pictures!

Our First Baby Shower - I can't believe we had one! Eight years of marriage
and we are so close to bringing our baby home....

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Still Alive!

I don't know if this is an appropriate way of phrasing my baby's life. But he is STILL alive and making it each day! After passing 24 weeks this past Christmas, I felt way better...although I don't think the fear of death will ever vanish from my mind. I am so relieved to make it to 30 wks and 2 days now, yet I can't seem to erase the worst case scenarios out of my mind. I don't even want to describe my horrific thoughts just to avoid jinxing myself.
I count the kicks even though my son doesn't always have a nice routine. My hubby and I check his heartbeat with a doppler we borrowed from a dear BLM friend. I cannot imagine what this pregnancy would've been like without hearing his heartbeat through those days of anxieties.
I long for the day to bring him home alive and healthy... His name is Ayden - the boy's name we picked out with my daughter's name, Josephine, back in 2009. It might be a little shallow to get his name from a TV show like "Jon and Kate Plus 8."We fell in love with "Aiden" without realizing how popular this name was. We considered "Jayden," "Caiden," or other rhyming names yet we couldn't get ourselves to change our minds. One day our Ayden will learn about his sister in heaven....I can't wait to teach him how to say Joey's name. Miss my girl who didn't make it this far....