Ayden is here!

Joey's little brother entered this world on April 6, 2012, 10:28AM. 8lbs and 2 oz. He is a beauty, a miracle, and a gift from God. What a "Good Friday" it was! I remembered Joey in heaven because of what Jesus Christ has done for us. What a gift Christ gave John and me that Friday. Right now John and I are sleep deprived and enjoying every minute of Ayden.

I am in recovery from the Csection but here are the pics for now. Notice his full black hair!

7 More Days

Seven more days til my CSection! I cannot believe how far Ayden has made it! My OB and sonogram tech have both confirmed over and over how much I needed the TAC. I was 4 and a half centimeters dilated and the TAC is keeping my boy in.
Swollen feet and now hemorrhoids that just started yesterday. Oh boy! The last two weeks have been the hardest. I wrote on a private Facebook wall for pPROM ladies how this time I was READY for my water to break. After praying and praying for my water not to break, I am ready to deliver a little early. If mother nature doesn't let me then what can I do but to stay thankful for Ayden to be alive.

I don't think people will ever know the missing picture I carry in my grief as Ayden's birth draws near. Call me hypersensitive but all these statements "Enjoy your kids because it goes by so fast" or "Wait til the toddler years..." are somewhat bothersome. Why? Because if there is anybody who doesn't need those reminders are parents who have lost babies and experienced countless years of infertility. I have this strong sense of not taking any parenting moment for granted knowing how short my daughter's life was. My parenting life will be normal with stress and feelings of helplessness one of these days, I'm sure. I just don't want any advice from others who had their successful pregnancies while I was silently suffering infertility and losses. They all have two or three children by now. If life went my way John and I could've had Joey when we started TTC six years ago. We could've had two or three living children by now. Sure, people warn me about sleep deprivation with a newborn but what could be harder than crying yourself to sleep from seeing a negative pregnancy test for the 20th time?! Yes, our time with our little ones are precious especially when you had to let go of your baby's life and learn to live without him or her. How could I take my living children for granted?

37 wks and 1 day

Ayden is still baking in the oven. I am just thankful, thankful, thankful! The discomforts right now from swollen feet to backaches are nothing compared to a living child inside of me. I will always think of Joey and Baby Juno as I wonder what they would've been like in third trimester. I feel Ayden filling up in my uterus and I keep praying for his protection. I worry about his cord and placenta....I want everything to stay in tact and everything to keep him safe. I worried enough about the cord wrapping around him to ask my sonogram tech of her experience seeing this happen. She told me it was very rare - she has probably seen it happen one time within 7 years. That's probably not counting the time of delivery since she's not there to see the stats. But I am doing my best to PRAY and think HAPPY thoughts!

My husband gave me weekly P17 shots for about four months now. It was painful for him to watch the needle go in me. I thought Follistim cartridges were good sized needles without any knowledge of what the "intramuscular" needles looked liked. Along with the transabdominal cerclage, this progesterone shot could have saved Ayden's life. I had to alternate between my butt cheeks and seriously had to count or say the alphabet in my head to endure the brief pain. But all the welts and bruises on my butt was worth keeping Ayden in the womb.

Yesterday, my OB checked my cervix and sure enough, I was dilated or effaced enough for her to spread out three fingers! The cerclage is staying strong! Truly amazing.... I don't know where I would be without this technology. We will see if I can make it to April 6th, 39 wks C-Section. 14 more days to go.

Good Ol' P-17 shot!

34 weeks!

February went by with a blur. I just wanted each day, each week to fly so that I can only get closer to Ayden's due date - April 6th. My cervix started "funneling" in February and I saw the abdominal cerclage holding the rest of my cervix together. It was scary to see it even though that was the whole point of me getting the TAC (transabdominal cerclage) all the way in New Jersey. It was scary to even think about what could've been without the cerclage!
Sometimes I think about Joey as I see Ayden growing inside of me. I grieve over the memories I couldn't have with her. What would Joey have been like around this time? I expected Ayden to be more active as a boy but he is pretty calm throughout the day. I count his kicks in the morning after breakfast and I don't feel him much during the day. I wonder if Joey would've been calmer or more outgoing like her daddy. I let myself cry on her due date, February 12th and 14th. We had two different due dates - one given by the RE and one by my OB. Who knew they would be two dates for John and I to mourn for years to come....

This past Thursday was 34 weeks....Then today was our maternity tour and a baby shower. My husband and I both had the weirdest feeling joining "new parents" in the tour. I dreaded stepping into the elevator and going up the L&D ward. I didn't want to walk into the room where I delivered Joey. I didn't want to cry. By the time we walked through the ward, I realized the new changes they made and what used to be a curtain where the nurse first wheelchaired me into that night was no longer there. They obviously created a wall around there...I didn't even remember what end of the hallway I was in to deliver Joey but John did. They used the very last room as the "fetal demise" room and probably did for every patient in a similar situation. Luckily, we went in and out of a different room and moved out of there.

Baby showers were always a dread for me back in the days. I think around my 2nd year of infertility I was so sick of going to my coworkers' baby showers at work. Then after Joey I had better reasons not to go. It was hard to decide to do one for Ayden every time I thought about Joey's absence. Yet I thank God for hubby's coworkers, our friends, our babyloss moms, and church friends who came to bless our Rainbow Baby. I felt so much peace with the reality of bringing Ayden HOME. I finally had the courage to share on Facebook about Ayden. I pray this is it. I hope we are almost to the finish line with a successful pregnancy.

The Four of Us - Joey's footprints, Ayden, Mommy and Daddy!

Thanks to Kimberly, Mommy to Eden in heaven, for doing a marvelous job with the pictures!

Our First Baby Shower - I can't believe we had one! Eight years of marriage
and we are so close to bringing our baby home....

Still Alive!

I don't know if this is an appropriate way of phrasing my baby's life. But he is STILL alive and making it each day! After passing 24 weeks this past Christmas, I felt way better...although I don't think the fear of death will ever vanish from my mind. I am so relieved to make it to 30 wks and 2 days now, yet I can't seem to erase the worst case scenarios out of my mind. I don't even want to describe my horrific thoughts just to avoid jinxing myself.
I count the kicks even though my son doesn't always have a nice routine. My hubby and I check his heartbeat with a doppler we borrowed from a dear BLM friend. I cannot imagine what this pregnancy would've been like without hearing his heartbeat through those days of anxieties.
I long for the day to bring him home alive and healthy... His name is Ayden - the boy's name we picked out with my daughter's name, Josephine, back in 2009. It might be a little shallow to get his name from a TV show like "Jon and Kate Plus 8."We fell in love with "Aiden" without realizing how popular this name was. We considered "Jayden," "Caiden," or other rhyming names yet we couldn't get ourselves to change our minds. One day our Ayden will learn about his sister in heaven....I can't wait to teach him how to say Joey's name. Miss my girl who didn't make it this far....

Is this your first child?

I'm not so sure how people have been asking this question. Sometimes they seem to word it "Is this your first pregnancy?" or as "Is this your first child?" I always appear to hesitate and I had to say "YES" to most strangers.... I hate saying it but I guess I don't trust everyone with sharing my special babies. Before I was pregnant again, I was bombarded with "Do you have any children?" It hurts to see a few of John's coworkers with newborn daughters. Last week when we met up with them and one brought her newborn daughter, I couldn't make eye contact with the mother. I felt my bitterness resurface and held back my tears thinking "Where is my daughter?" The other mother conceives easily, has an EASY pregnancy, and then pops out a healthy baby girl. My bitterness and grief are still buried in my heart even with this miracle baby inside of me. I miss my Josephine. My Joey. My first child. I have a daughter too except no one sees her. She is in heaven and it feels so far away even though we will be reunited one day.
I'm not saying I am taking my third baby for granted. My living son growing inside of me cannot replace the first child we had. I'm thoroughly ecstatic to still be pregnant yet I can't seem to face the holidays forgetting my Joey is missing....
So couple days ago I was asked again by a dental assistant if this was my first child. I felt this urge to say "No, I have one in heaven" and I felt like it was an out of body experience. I couldn't believe I just said those words. I said it and it felt good to acknowledge Joey. She asked me if it was a boy or a girl that I lost.... I shared that it was a girl. I think sometimes Baby Juno will be another selective time for me to share with others just because it will lead to more questions and me expressing not knowing the gender due to early miscarriage. For me, it's easier to share about  Joey because I know her gender... somehow Juno seems harder to share. I think all the Babyloss Moms will have their preferences and way of sharing....After reading many articles and Facebook comments of some BLMs, I recognize the uniqueness of our boundaries and the need to respect each others' differences when it comes to sharing about our babies.

A New Season: 21 weeks and 5 days

My new season of pregnancy started on August 3rd when my home preg test came out BFP. It was another scary and exhilarating moment. Juno's scenario was mostly on my mind even though the Hcg level was higher with this pregnancy than Juno's.
The first trimester was a long waiting period for me... I know I don't need to explain the feelings of anxiety to the babyloss mamas out there. Some of us had more than one losses and there seems nothing in this world to give us enough reassurance or a guarantee our next baby will be okay. Around the 9th week, I saw blood on my underwear about 2 quarter size. My legs were shaking at the restroom and all I could think about was saying goodbye to this baby as I did with Joey and Juno. I was incoherently speaking to the nurse on the phone about the bleeding. It was after a bowel movement and she persuaded me to see the bleeding as a mild incident from possibly straining too hard. I was so panicked and started crying with my husband after hanging up with the nurse.
Week 12 or 13 came around when the Walk to Remember was starting in October -  week before Joey's 2nd birthday. Until that time, I kept wondering if there will be a third ornament to hang on the tree for a third loss... I remember habitually checking my underwear for blood or to see if my water broke all throughout the first trimester.
We took weekly pictures from the beginning of the pregnancy. I regretted not taking any pictures of Joey growing and I missed out on Juno also. I wanted to have as many memories of this baby as I could and enjoy those memories.
I am under close supervision of my cervix even after the TAC procedure. I have a sonogram every two weeks to check the baby and my cervical length. My husband gives me P17 shots every week. Every sonogram is a treat for John and me since we love seeing our baby. I still get the butterflies before each sonogram just wondering if our baby is still alive! IT is so hard to persevere and to stay POSITIVE! Having a "normal pregnancy" is foreign to me. I am so blessed to have a doctor who stays concerned and have supervised me thoroughly with this one - quite a contrast to my pregnancy with Joey. We found out Joey was having a little brother at about week 16.

Today is a special milestone for John and me. We lost our loving daughter, Josephine, at 21 weeks and 5 days. In this new season, we still have our little boy alive at 21 weeks and 5 days. I hope he continues to live and grow way past 24 weeks. I am not able to blog much with my neck and shoulder pain which came out of nowhere in this pregnancy. However, I will try to write throughout the milestones. Even in my own joy, I know my joy won't be complete without other BLM's holding their rainbow babies - I am still praying and hoping for those who endured another hard year to have their living babies in their arms one day.