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Saturday, September 25, 2010

Waiting with Hope

It's August. A student that I taught overseas approaches John and me at a restaurant. He's in college and already a newlywed. He tells us his wife is pregnant... We don't know how to respond to that or maybe we don't want to react to it. I ignore the painful jab of unfairness and ask how he was doing juggling with marriage and odd jobs.

I feel like I am falling again... hitting rock bottom.

Couple days later someone mentions that a husband's old friend is going to have a third child. I remember somehow treading upon that announcement on facebook months ago. I try not to compare my life with others but sometimes it just speaks out to me loud and clear that every other couple has moved on to their next chapter of life - parenthood.

I start to roll down the hill of grief...anger...jealousy...until I can't suppress the pain any longer. This is the time when I wail on my bed before I go to sleep. John hears me crying and holds me. "Life's not fair, God!" "Why does everyone else get to have children but we lose one after years of trying?"

This is just one description of numerous occasions when pain just escalated. After a summer of unsuccessful treatments and another laparoscopy/hysteroscopy, discouragement and hopelessness clouded my mind. I joined a Bible study with my former infertility support group in Dallas/Ft Worth from last year, Fertility Challenges Support. I adore the group leader for pouring God's love upon couples like us. The questions that resonate with me are "Who is God to you?" and "How will you raise your children when He answers your prayer?"

I find HOPE in the fact that God doesn't change. John and I have blamed Him for losing Joey; I felt like I was being punished. The enemy really knew the most tender part of my soul and he knew how to blind me from God's love. I want to know all the answers now but I find hope in trusting His goodness. I don't know if my next treatment will work and I may find myself in tears again. Every time I hit rock bottom, God gently lifts me with hope again. I also feel hopeful as I celebrate with one friend (God Keeps His Promises blog) who has adopted a beautiful son and another who is pregnant after losing her son.

14 more days 'til Joey's first birthday.

Monday, September 20, 2010

My Favorite Things

There are couple things that are so special to me...

1) Last year, a sweet Kinder student of mine drew this picture of me and Joey. Five year olds are so literal and she understood that there was a tiny life growing inside of me. She moved overseas soon after I lost Joey... She has no idea how much this drawing will mean to me for years and years to come. This is my priceless Picasso that no one can replace!

2) James Avery charm. I believe this design is called Mommy's heart. A group of friends gave me this after the loss to validate me as a mom. I needed the validation that I was a mother even though no one saw my baby and even though Joey went straight to heaven.

3) Willow Tree Angel. A friend gave this to me since she bought one for herself as a memorial for her early miscarriage. This angel embracing the child reminds me that Joey is safe right now because of what Jesus has done for her.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Update on the Stillbirth Certificate

My husband sent one last email to the hospital chaplain end of July. I was just emotionally tired of making attempts to communicate. I think the chaplain tried one last time and she talked to the attorney AGAIN. I am still unsure of what's been going on but it sounds like the state law was not so easy to interpret. Since there was nothing in the law stopping them from registering Joey's death, they went ahead and did all the required paperwork... Last Monday we received her death certificate. Now we're waiting on Joey's stillbirth certificate. We thank God for this piece of paper that we are waiting for. I can't take it with me to heaven. As long as I am alive on earth, I want to know that she was acknowledged as a baby.