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Friday, March 30, 2012

7 More Days

Seven more days til my CSection! I cannot believe how far Ayden has made it! My OB and sonogram tech have both confirmed over and over how much I needed the TAC. I was 4 and a half centimeters dilated and the TAC is keeping my boy in.
Swollen feet and now hemorrhoids that just started yesterday. Oh boy! The last two weeks have been the hardest. I wrote on a private Facebook wall for pPROM ladies how this time I was READY for my water to break. After praying and praying for my water not to break, I am ready to deliver a little early. If mother nature doesn't let me then what can I do but to stay thankful for Ayden to be alive.

I don't think people will ever know the missing picture I carry in my grief as Ayden's birth draws near. Call me hypersensitive but all these statements "Enjoy your kids because it goes by so fast" or "Wait til the toddler years..." are somewhat bothersome. Why? Because if there is anybody who doesn't need those reminders are parents who have lost babies and experienced countless years of infertility. I have this strong sense of not taking any parenting moment for granted knowing how short my daughter's life was. My parenting life will be normal with stress and feelings of helplessness one of these days, I'm sure. I just don't want any advice from others who had their successful pregnancies while I was silently suffering infertility and losses. They all have two or three children by now. If life went my way John and I could've had Joey when we started TTC six years ago. We could've had two or three living children by now. Sure, people warn me about sleep deprivation with a newborn but what could be harder than crying yourself to sleep from seeing a negative pregnancy test for the 20th time?! Yes, our time with our little ones are precious especially when you had to let go of your baby's life and learn to live without him or her. How could I take my living children for granted?

Friday, March 23, 2012

37 wks and 1 day

Ayden is still baking in the oven. I am just thankful, thankful, thankful! The discomforts right now from swollen feet to backaches are nothing compared to a living child inside of me. I will always think of Joey and Baby Juno as I wonder what they would've been like in third trimester. I feel Ayden filling up in my uterus and I keep praying for his protection. I worry about his cord and placenta....I want everything to stay in tact and everything to keep him safe. I worried enough about the cord wrapping around him to ask my sonogram tech of her experience seeing this happen. She told me it was very rare - she has probably seen it happen one time within 7 years. That's probably not counting the time of delivery since she's not there to see the stats. But I am doing my best to PRAY and think HAPPY thoughts!

My husband gave me weekly P17 shots for about four months now. It was painful for him to watch the needle go in me. I thought Follistim cartridges were good sized needles without any knowledge of what the "intramuscular" needles looked liked. Along with the transabdominal cerclage, this progesterone shot could have saved Ayden's life. I had to alternate between my butt cheeks and seriously had to count or say the alphabet in my head to endure the brief pain. But all the welts and bruises on my butt was worth keeping Ayden in the womb.

Yesterday, my OB checked my cervix and sure enough, I was dilated or effaced enough for her to spread out three fingers! The cerclage is staying strong! Truly amazing.... I don't know where I would be without this technology. We will see if I can make it to April 6th, 39 wks C-Section. 14 more days to go.

Good Ol' P-17 shot!

Saturday, March 3, 2012

34 weeks!

February went by with a blur. I just wanted each day, each week to fly so that I can only get closer to Ayden's due date - April 6th. My cervix started "funneling" in February and I saw the abdominal cerclage holding the rest of my cervix together. It was scary to see it even though that was the whole point of me getting the TAC (transabdominal cerclage) all the way in New Jersey. It was scary to even think about what could've been without the cerclage!
Sometimes I think about Joey as I see Ayden growing inside of me. I grieve over the memories I couldn't have with her. What would Joey have been like around this time? I expected Ayden to be more active as a boy but he is pretty calm throughout the day. I count his kicks in the morning after breakfast and I don't feel him much during the day. I wonder if Joey would've been calmer or more outgoing like her daddy. I let myself cry on her due date, February 12th and 14th. We had two different due dates - one given by the RE and one by my OB. Who knew they would be two dates for John and I to mourn for years to come....

This past Thursday was 34 weeks....Then today was our maternity tour and a baby shower. My husband and I both had the weirdest feeling joining "new parents" in the tour. I dreaded stepping into the elevator and going up the L&D ward. I didn't want to walk into the room where I delivered Joey. I didn't want to cry. By the time we walked through the ward, I realized the new changes they made and what used to be a curtain where the nurse first wheelchaired me into that night was no longer there. They obviously created a wall around there...I didn't even remember what end of the hallway I was in to deliver Joey but John did. They used the very last room as the "fetal demise" room and probably did for every patient in a similar situation. Luckily, we went in and out of a different room and moved out of there.

Baby showers were always a dread for me back in the days. I think around my 2nd year of infertility I was so sick of going to my coworkers' baby showers at work. Then after Joey I had better reasons not to go. It was hard to decide to do one for Ayden every time I thought about Joey's absence. Yet I thank God for hubby's coworkers, our friends, our babyloss moms, and church friends who came to bless our Rainbow Baby. I felt so much peace with the reality of bringing Ayden HOME. I finally had the courage to share on Facebook about Ayden. I pray this is it. I hope we are almost to the finish line with a successful pregnancy.

The Four of Us - Joey's footprints, Ayden, Mommy and Daddy!

Thanks to Kimberly, Mommy to Eden in heaven, for doing a marvelous job with the pictures!

Our First Baby Shower - I can't believe we had one! Eight years of marriage
and we are so close to bringing our baby home....