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Friday, March 30, 2012

7 More Days

Seven more days til my CSection! I cannot believe how far Ayden has made it! My OB and sonogram tech have both confirmed over and over how much I needed the TAC. I was 4 and a half centimeters dilated and the TAC is keeping my boy in.
Swollen feet and now hemorrhoids that just started yesterday. Oh boy! The last two weeks have been the hardest. I wrote on a private Facebook wall for pPROM ladies how this time I was READY for my water to break. After praying and praying for my water not to break, I am ready to deliver a little early. If mother nature doesn't let me then what can I do but to stay thankful for Ayden to be alive.

I don't think people will ever know the missing picture I carry in my grief as Ayden's birth draws near. Call me hypersensitive but all these statements "Enjoy your kids because it goes by so fast" or "Wait til the toddler years..." are somewhat bothersome. Why? Because if there is anybody who doesn't need those reminders are parents who have lost babies and experienced countless years of infertility. I have this strong sense of not taking any parenting moment for granted knowing how short my daughter's life was. My parenting life will be normal with stress and feelings of helplessness one of these days, I'm sure. I just don't want any advice from others who had their successful pregnancies while I was silently suffering infertility and losses. They all have two or three children by now. If life went my way John and I could've had Joey when we started TTC six years ago. We could've had two or three living children by now. Sure, people warn me about sleep deprivation with a newborn but what could be harder than crying yourself to sleep from seeing a negative pregnancy test for the 20th time?! Yes, our time with our little ones are precious especially when you had to let go of your baby's life and learn to live without him or her. How could I take my living children for granted?


  1. ((hugs)) just a few more days and your sweet boy will be in your arms <3 i definitely agree that we don't need the reminders. i look forward to the frustration and stress of staying up all note and not sleeping and having a toddler throw tantrums!

  2. Patty, I am so happy for you! So happy Ayden is doing so well! You are right, after losing a baby parenting is different. I miss my Lydia and think about her and realize that sleepless nights and trying to calm my crying son for the seemingly thousandth time that day is a gift. I am so glad you have been blessed with this pregnancy and a son! I will be praying for you as the C-section grows nearer.