Nothing in my mind made sense about God. I knew that I loved Him but I also felt so much anger towards God because I tried to understand what was going on. I was hurt by the unfairness of life. I don't think that I can ever summarize my conversations with Him for the past six months. I can say that Philip Yancey's book was nonjudgmental towards bitter Christians. His gentle approach made me understand that suffering does not necessarily happen for a lesson to be learned but God can turn our pain around to bring purpose from it.
God's ways are mysterious and I will never know why. I know that John and I are forever changed from this. My spirit is broken and I am taking baby steps to learn how to trust God again. Someone who mentored my way through this journey reminded me that God was able to handle John's and my anger. I may not agree with His ways but that does not change His Sovereignty. I may not always sense His love but I know that He has always loved us in spite of our anger, doubt and bitterness.