Love and Hate Relationship with God

I have been reading Nancy Guthrie's Holding on to Hope and Philip Yancey's Disappointment in God. I knew that God had been my only stability under the dark circumstances. It just didn't make sense to me that He could "allow" this to happen in His Sovereignty. I had to talk myself through some irrational thoughts that came to my head. Was this a punishment from God for something? Did God have to teach me something? If this was a way of teaching a lesson, I thought it was the most horrible way to teach a lesson... Sometimes the Christian cliches like God had a plan for John and me felt like blah, blah, blah. We weren't ready to hear all that right after losing Joey.

Nothing in my mind made sense about God. I knew that I loved Him but I also felt so much anger towards God because I tried to understand what was going on. I was hurt by the unfairness of life. I don't think that I can ever summarize my conversations with Him for the past six months. I can say that Philip Yancey's book was nonjudgmental towards bitter Christians. His gentle approach made me understand that suffering does not necessarily happen for a lesson to be learned but God can turn our pain around to bring purpose from it.

God's ways are mysterious and I will never know why. I know that John and I are forever changed from this. My spirit is broken and I am taking baby steps to learn how to trust God again. Someone who mentored my way through this journey reminded me that God was able to handle John's and my anger. I may not agree with His ways but that does not change His Sovereignty. I may not always sense His love but I know that He has always loved us in spite of our anger, doubt and bitterness.