Anger and Guilt

Anger... I remember right after losing Joey that I did not want to be angry at God. My despair from missing her quickly led me to a deep dark hole that trapped me in anger. October through January were filled with family holidays and trying to act "normal" by attending family events didn't help. I was angry at the whole world... the doctor...myself...dysfunctional parents who were pregnant at my school...at life...

For a long time I could not find closure with my last OBGYN doctor. I felt like he could've done more than send me home and not put me on bedrest/antibiotics after telling me that this was potentially dangerous. For a patient who was uneducated on PROM I was confused and I actually trusted his words. My coworker's story and other stories that I have heard after the loss confirmed that some doctors still placed their PROM patients on antibiotics and bedrest. I kept wondering what could've happened if this doctor took another approach to save my child. My unresolved anger slowly changed when I shared my story with other moms at kanalen.org, the PROM website. There were moms from UK and nationwide who shared that their doctors were quite passive also. There is no "standard care" for PROM unfortunately, especially if it happens so early before the baby is viable at 24 weeks. I felt like I was unlucky even though I didn't believe in luck. Hearing from other moms who were hurting from their trauma gave me comfort that I was not alone. This little step of venting and being understood by other women gave me some comfort.

Guilt -- There are so many things in pregnancy that I can't control but it took me a LONG time to forgive myself for my ignorance of what a premature rupture was. The first 4 months after the loss, I kept analyzing everything I ate and drank. I reviewed every activity that I did and thought it was a mistake to go to a chiropractor even if the rest of the medical professionals said that it was okay. Then it was also swine flu season... The list is endless. I was in constant despair. I felt like a failure as a mom to not be able to carry my own child to full-term and I feel like I failed as a wife to give my husband a daughter that we always wanted. I kept thinking that I should've known what the amniotic fluid looked like. I should've been more proactive to call for second, third, fourth opinions with other OBs. My mind kept rolling to the "What if's" and where Joey could've been right now if I changed one event that led all of these things to happen. Even though I knew it was unhealthy, I couldn't help wondering how and why I lost Joey. That is probably why it was harder to be around pregnant ladies because they reminded me of my feelings of failure and of my broken body.