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Sunday, April 24, 2011


My Little Joey,
Today was cloudy and dark for the most part of the day. I know the day you were born the weather was so dark and I remember listening to the raindrops in that silent room.
Mommy and Daddy miss you more over Easter. I try to be happy because I know that one day I will see you again. Easter reminds me you are okay; you're with Jesus. Happy 2nd Easter in heaven, Joey.
Love you and miss you so much!! Hugs and kisses!


Monday, April 18, 2011

He is Faithful

Today is hard... in fact, this whole month has been hard as I mentioned in my last post. I am holding on as best as I can to the truth of who He is. I truly believe that God will redeem this chapter of my life just as He will redeem me from my childhood deficits. I see so many holes throughout my life yet I cannot discount the fact that God has been with me from the moment I was conceived. No, I am a frail human being and I admit to not  always having the strength to give Him the glory when I am in the valley like this. I also do not have the theological answers as to why God allows certain things to happen to us in His sovereignty. I won't even go there because I still have so many questions. Recently, one of my old middle school teachers emailed me and she encouraged me to choose to "trust His heart" at a time of disappointment and frustration. That phrase came from an old song and it resonates with me as I am challenged to trust in His goodness for what has already been four and a half years of TTC (trying to conceive). I do not underestimate what we all go through waiting and waiting for our homes to be filled with the laughter of our beautiful children. It is just HARD!!! Even in the dark, God has a way of sending me His love through others. Whether I feel it or not today, I want to hold on to God's goodness and faithfulness. I pray for His redemption somewhere down the road of uncertainty. He alone knows just how much my husband and I love Joey. I listen to Steven Curtis Chapman's album "Beauty will Rise" over and over again because his songs are so raw from heartbrokenness. I heard that SCC took six months off from his tour after he lost his adoptive daughter.

This is the first portion of the song:
I am broken
I am bleeding
I am scared and I’m confused
But You are faithful
Yes you are faithful

I am weary
God please help my unbelief
Cuz You are faithful
Yes you are faithful

I will proclaim it to the world
I will declare it to my heart
Sing it when the sun is shining
I will scream it in the dark

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Spring and Grief

What is it about spring that triggers my grief? It is not as overwhelming as November and December. I think it's just any holiday that can trigger our grief. As Easter approaches, I vividly remember the overwhelming emotions last year just thinking about heaven. Every time my church sang a song about heaven, I was in tears... It was the first time heaven felt so real and personal to me as I thought of my own daughter safe in her new home called heaven and loved by God. She is a part of my husband and me; a part of us is in heaven. Although my grief is lighter this year, I am saddened to see children's Easter baskets and toys everywhere. Then there will be Mother's Day to deal with in May...

This spring has been filled with pregnancy news on Facebook. I somehow survived not reading people's posts but FB only became disturbing eventually. If this is the way to survive and cope until further healing takes place then I don't mind avoiding FB. It is surely nobody's fault that they are pregnant and able to have a successful pregnancy. However, they have no idea what tormenting thoughts run through the minds of a mom who has lost her baby. I believe my most tender spot is seeing moms make it to their third trimester because I grieve over what I had missed with Joey and now the miscarried baby. As I gradually lost the amniotic fluid, I did not know that my placenta was eventually infected and Joey was not able to move like a typical 21 weeker. I wish there were more memories of moving and kicking to cherish with Joey...

Spring flowers and pinwheel!!