He is Faithful

Today is hard... in fact, this whole month has been hard as I mentioned in my last post. I am holding on as best as I can to the truth of who He is. I truly believe that God will redeem this chapter of my life just as He will redeem me from my childhood deficits. I see so many holes throughout my life yet I cannot discount the fact that God has been with me from the moment I was conceived. No, I am a frail human being and I admit to not  always having the strength to give Him the glory when I am in the valley like this. I also do not have the theological answers as to why God allows certain things to happen to us in His sovereignty. I won't even go there because I still have so many questions. Recently, one of my old middle school teachers emailed me and she encouraged me to choose to "trust His heart" at a time of disappointment and frustration. That phrase came from an old song and it resonates with me as I am challenged to trust in His goodness for what has already been four and a half years of TTC (trying to conceive). I do not underestimate what we all go through waiting and waiting for our homes to be filled with the laughter of our beautiful children. It is just HARD!!! Even in the dark, God has a way of sending me His love through others. Whether I feel it or not today, I want to hold on to God's goodness and faithfulness. I pray for His redemption somewhere down the road of uncertainty. He alone knows just how much my husband and I love Joey. I listen to Steven Curtis Chapman's album "Beauty will Rise" over and over again because his songs are so raw from heartbrokenness. I heard that SCC took six months off from his tour after he lost his adoptive daughter.

This is the first portion of the song:
I am broken
I am bleeding
I am scared and I’m confused
But You are faithful
Yes you are faithful

I am weary
Unbelieving
God please help my unbelief
Cuz You are faithful
Yes you are faithful

I will proclaim it to the world
I will declare it to my heart
Sing it when the sun is shining
I will scream it in the dark