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Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Spring and Grief

What is it about spring that triggers my grief? It is not as overwhelming as November and December. I think it's just any holiday that can trigger our grief. As Easter approaches, I vividly remember the overwhelming emotions last year just thinking about heaven. Every time my church sang a song about heaven, I was in tears... It was the first time heaven felt so real and personal to me as I thought of my own daughter safe in her new home called heaven and loved by God. She is a part of my husband and me; a part of us is in heaven. Although my grief is lighter this year, I am saddened to see children's Easter baskets and toys everywhere. Then there will be Mother's Day to deal with in May...

This spring has been filled with pregnancy news on Facebook. I somehow survived not reading people's posts but FB only became disturbing eventually. If this is the way to survive and cope until further healing takes place then I don't mind avoiding FB. It is surely nobody's fault that they are pregnant and able to have a successful pregnancy. However, they have no idea what tormenting thoughts run through the minds of a mom who has lost her baby. I believe my most tender spot is seeing moms make it to their third trimester because I grieve over what I had missed with Joey and now the miscarried baby. As I gradually lost the amniotic fluid, I did not know that my placenta was eventually infected and Joey was not able to move like a typical 21 weeker. I wish there were more memories of moving and kicking to cherish with Joey...

Spring flowers and pinwheel!!


  1. It's a painful for me, too, to see when women pass the point in their pregnancy when I lost Calvin, and I can related to the FB triggers, too. ((hugs))

    I love what you shared about heaven being more real and having a part of you there. thank you for sharing that.