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Sunday, October 9, 2011

Joey's 2nd Birthday

My daughter is two years old in heaven today. We kept the grieving and celebration to ourselves unlike last year. Having friends and family over to the resting place last year gave me so much peace - the peace I didn't get to have without a funeral and holding her to say goodbye. I needed Joey to be validated as our baby and a person who passed away. I felt okay to celebrate between just us two as Mommy and Daddy.
It rained today just like the day she was born. No balloons or flowers today because of rain.

I always seem to ask John the same question "So what happened that day? Do you remember?" It was a nightmarish day yet I still want to hear John's side of the story over and over. While I was being induced with pills, J had to go home in the rain that morning. He was crying all by himself in the car and he doesn't remember how he made it home. He told our dog Joey was gone for good...took a shower....packed my clothes. All of this happened while I was in bed waiting to dilate. Two years ago already.

I felt guilty to not be able to bake her cake this time. I guess every year will be different. J and I will have to come up with different ways to celebrate her birthday each year.