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Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Josephine's Name on the Australian Beach

There is an Australian couple who started writing names of lost babies on the sand of their closest beach. They lost their baby also and started this ministry. Their blog is

I just received this yesterday...What a glimpse of heaven it is! This is a reminder from God that Joey is really there enjoying the beauty beyond my understanding.

Joey's Story

 John and I have traveled through a maze of charting my temperature every morning, clomid, 2 IUIs, THEN we found an RE who did a laparoscopy around March 2009. The laparascopy revealed endometriosis which the RE suspected. This was all within 2 and a half years of trying to conceive. I did my 3rd IUI after the laparascopy in May 2009 wondering if this would work - I remember feeling so exhausted from everything and by this time I was tired of hoping. Then the first Friday of June my pregnancy test came out positive. We were blown away by our FIRST pregnancy test that showed positive.
Thinking about when and how everything happened is the most difficult part. I suffered from sciatica on 13 weeks of pregnancy. I've had back pain before but that was by far the most painful. I was so focused on getting my back treated with physical therapy, chiropractic, and even gentle acupuncture. With sciatica and limited sleep from the chronic pain I was in fatigue. My memories of how I ruptured my membrane is blurred. It feels like a bad dream. I must have started leaking around who knows 18 weeks? It's hard to discern your fluid from discharge when you don't see the difference or when you feel "fine."

 John and I were ready for the 20th week checkup. We were told that our baby was a girl at 13 weeks and the 20th week sonogram confirmed it. Then the sonogram technician had a grave look and said that she would call in the OB. We were told that I had total previa (placenta completely covering the cervix) and that the amniotic fluid was low. I did not know how serious this was. I remember feeling uneasy about Joey looking cramped from the low fluid. The OB kept asking me if I had completely wet myself and I said that I didn't recall anything like that except for slightly more fluid than the discharge. The OB did a bacteria test which came out negative. I didn't know what questions to ask and I didn't want to panic. I remember feeling anxious after the doctor referred me to the perinatologist and by stating that this was "potentially dangerous." I cried in the restroom not knowing what to think... My husband stayed calm for me and we both tried to be rational by telling ourselves that we needed to wait for the specialist to tell us what exactly was going on. We had to wait another week before we saw the perinatologist. On my next appointment I was told that the fluid was low - AFI (amniotic fluid index) was a 3 or 4. The blood flow was not flowing properly to the placenta. I was placed on bedrest and antibiotics. He didn't say anything about miscarrying. I wonder if the specialist knew that I had a high risk of losing Joey - he has probably dealt with so many parents who refused to terminate their pregnancies. I guess it wouldn't have made a difference for me - I would have kept trying to keep her as long as I can regardless of what the doctor said.

Even during bedrest I kept losing little bit of fluid in any position that I was in - sitting to laying down. The 3rd day after seeing the specialist I got ready for bed and started to feel slight cramping. The bleeding started to scare me - we decided to go to ER... Whether it was persistent denial or optimism, I still couldn't imagine losing our daughter. We waited 2 hours with the nurses trying to find the heartbeat before the ER doctor arrived. When the doctor showed us the sonogram and said that there was no heartbeat and no fluid left I think that I blacked out screaming. John and I just held each other and cried through the darkest moment of our marriage... Little did I know that there was a Christian nurse on the other side praying for us.

I remember asking for a C-Section out of fear of delivering - I was NOT ready to deliver but the doctor didn't recommend a C-Section for a  small baby. However, my body responded well to inducing and epidural. Within 12 hours Joey was born sleeping on October 9th, 2009, around 5pm. John and I were in a stage of shock - we were heading towards a journey of doubt, grief, and anger....

Sunday, March 7, 2010

A song that is close to my heart

Heaven is the Face by Steven Curtis Chapman

If you click the link above it leads to the song on youtube. I have been reading blogs about SCC and his wife going through their mourning with Maria. I can't believe it's been about 2 years for them. His songs in the album Beauty Will Rise have become my Psalms also. I picture my Joey giving me her "maple syrup kiss." I picture John laying Joey on his chest while she's falling asleep. Everything about this song matches everything I dreamed of her. Steven is right - God knows that "I can't see beyond that door." This life on earth seems like forever but as our pastor reminded John and me today, there is eternal life beyond this door where Joey is.

Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes
That disappear when she smiles.
Heaven is the place
Where she calls my name
Says, “Daddy please come play with me for awhile.”


God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I’m aching for.
God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door.
So right now...

Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep,
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing.
And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms,
Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams

And God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I’m longing for
God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door.


But in my mind’s eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space.
All the cancer is gone,
Every mouth is fed,
And there’s no one left in the orphans’ bed.
Every lonely heart finds their one true love,
And there’s no more goodbye,
And no more not enough,
And there’s no more enemy.

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone.
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You,
And we both run into Your arms.

Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream.
It’s far beyond anything I can conceive.
So God, You know, I’m trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little girl,
Heaven in the face of my little girl.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Trying out this blog

I have read the blogs of other moms and learned so much from them. I guess that we live in a generation of online blogs and forums. I don't feel so alone when I read their life stories... I know a mom who is waiting for her child to be born after a PROM (premature rupture of membrane) and I know there are moms who had successful pregnancies after their losses. Right now I am still grieving for my daughter Josephine (we call her "Joey")...and I am hurting with other moms who are still grieving. Maybe this is a way for us to connect in this blogging world.