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Sunday, December 25, 2011

Is this your first child?

I'm not so sure how people have been asking this question. Sometimes they seem to word it "Is this your first pregnancy?" or as "Is this your first child?" I always appear to hesitate and I had to say "YES" to most strangers.... I hate saying it but I guess I don't trust everyone with sharing my special babies. Before I was pregnant again, I was bombarded with "Do you have any children?" It hurts to see a few of John's coworkers with newborn daughters. Last week when we met up with them and one brought her newborn daughter, I couldn't make eye contact with the mother. I felt my bitterness resurface and held back my tears thinking "Where is my daughter?" The other mother conceives easily, has an EASY pregnancy, and then pops out a healthy baby girl. My bitterness and grief are still buried in my heart even with this miracle baby inside of me. I miss my Josephine. My Joey. My first child. I have a daughter too except no one sees her. She is in heaven and it feels so far away even though we will be reunited one day.
I'm not saying I am taking my third baby for granted. My living son growing inside of me cannot replace the first child we had. I'm thoroughly ecstatic to still be pregnant yet I can't seem to face the holidays forgetting my Joey is missing....
So couple days ago I was asked again by a dental assistant if this was my first child. I felt this urge to say "No, I have one in heaven" and I felt like it was an out of body experience. I couldn't believe I just said those words. I said it and it felt good to acknowledge Joey. She asked me if it was a boy or a girl that I lost.... I shared that it was a girl. I think sometimes Baby Juno will be another selective time for me to share with others just because it will lead to more questions and me expressing not knowing the gender due to early miscarriage. For me, it's easier to share about  Joey because I know her gender... somehow Juno seems harder to share. I think all the Babyloss Moms will have their preferences and way of sharing....After reading many articles and Facebook comments of some BLMs, I recognize the uniqueness of our boundaries and the need to respect each others' differences when it comes to sharing about our babies.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

A New Season: 21 weeks and 5 days

My new season of pregnancy started on August 3rd when my home preg test came out BFP. It was another scary and exhilarating moment. Juno's scenario was mostly on my mind even though the Hcg level was higher with this pregnancy than Juno's.
The first trimester was a long waiting period for me... I know I don't need to explain the feelings of anxiety to the babyloss mamas out there. Some of us had more than one losses and there seems nothing in this world to give us enough reassurance or a guarantee our next baby will be okay. Around the 9th week, I saw blood on my underwear about 2 quarter size. My legs were shaking at the restroom and all I could think about was saying goodbye to this baby as I did with Joey and Juno. I was incoherently speaking to the nurse on the phone about the bleeding. It was after a bowel movement and she persuaded me to see the bleeding as a mild incident from possibly straining too hard. I was so panicked and started crying with my husband after hanging up with the nurse.
Week 12 or 13 came around when the Walk to Remember was starting in October -  week before Joey's 2nd birthday. Until that time, I kept wondering if there will be a third ornament to hang on the tree for a third loss... I remember habitually checking my underwear for blood or to see if my water broke all throughout the first trimester.
We took weekly pictures from the beginning of the pregnancy. I regretted not taking any pictures of Joey growing and I missed out on Juno also. I wanted to have as many memories of this baby as I could and enjoy those memories.
I am under close supervision of my cervix even after the TAC procedure. I have a sonogram every two weeks to check the baby and my cervical length. My husband gives me P17 shots every week. Every sonogram is a treat for John and me since we love seeing our baby. I still get the butterflies before each sonogram just wondering if our baby is still alive! IT is so hard to persevere and to stay POSITIVE! Having a "normal pregnancy" is foreign to me. I am so blessed to have a doctor who stays concerned and have supervised me thoroughly with this one - quite a contrast to my pregnancy with Joey. We found out Joey was having a little brother at about week 16.

Today is a special milestone for John and me. We lost our loving daughter, Josephine, at 21 weeks and 5 days. In this new season, we still have our little boy alive at 21 weeks and 5 days. I hope he continues to live and grow way past 24 weeks. I am not able to blog much with my neck and shoulder pain which came out of nowhere in this pregnancy. However, I will try to write throughout the milestones. Even in my own joy, I know my joy won't be complete without other BLM's holding their rainbow babies - I am still praying and hoping for those who endured another hard year to have their living babies in their arms one day.