Blog template

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

A New Season: 21 weeks and 5 days

My new season of pregnancy started on August 3rd when my home preg test came out BFP. It was another scary and exhilarating moment. Juno's scenario was mostly on my mind even though the Hcg level was higher with this pregnancy than Juno's.
The first trimester was a long waiting period for me... I know I don't need to explain the feelings of anxiety to the babyloss mamas out there. Some of us had more than one losses and there seems nothing in this world to give us enough reassurance or a guarantee our next baby will be okay. Around the 9th week, I saw blood on my underwear about 2 quarter size. My legs were shaking at the restroom and all I could think about was saying goodbye to this baby as I did with Joey and Juno. I was incoherently speaking to the nurse on the phone about the bleeding. It was after a bowel movement and she persuaded me to see the bleeding as a mild incident from possibly straining too hard. I was so panicked and started crying with my husband after hanging up with the nurse.
Week 12 or 13 came around when the Walk to Remember was starting in October -  week before Joey's 2nd birthday. Until that time, I kept wondering if there will be a third ornament to hang on the tree for a third loss... I remember habitually checking my underwear for blood or to see if my water broke all throughout the first trimester.
We took weekly pictures from the beginning of the pregnancy. I regretted not taking any pictures of Joey growing and I missed out on Juno also. I wanted to have as many memories of this baby as I could and enjoy those memories.
I am under close supervision of my cervix even after the TAC procedure. I have a sonogram every two weeks to check the baby and my cervical length. My husband gives me P17 shots every week. Every sonogram is a treat for John and me since we love seeing our baby. I still get the butterflies before each sonogram just wondering if our baby is still alive! IT is so hard to persevere and to stay POSITIVE! Having a "normal pregnancy" is foreign to me. I am so blessed to have a doctor who stays concerned and have supervised me thoroughly with this one - quite a contrast to my pregnancy with Joey. We found out Joey was having a little brother at about week 16.

Today is a special milestone for John and me. We lost our loving daughter, Josephine, at 21 weeks and 5 days. In this new season, we still have our little boy alive at 21 weeks and 5 days. I hope he continues to live and grow way past 24 weeks. I am not able to blog much with my neck and shoulder pain which came out of nowhere in this pregnancy. However, I will try to write throughout the milestones. Even in my own joy, I know my joy won't be complete without other BLM's holding their rainbow babies - I am still praying and hoping for those who endured another hard year to have their living babies in their arms one day.


  1. Holy Crow! Congratulations girl! Im praying so hard for you!!! Hugs and thoughts from Canada!

  2. Oh, Patty! I am joyful about this new life! I understand your anxiety and fears and how emotional this milestone is for you. I am glad you feel you are being cared for well by your doctor.
    A baby boy, how sweet! I will be praying for you and your son.

  3. oh my goodness, patty. i am catching up on blogs and just read this. congratulations on reaching your milestone (i can imagine how hard it must be) and on your sweet baby boy! i'd been thinking about you and wondering how you're doing. i have been so out of the loop in blogland for the past few months. big, big hugs!!