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Sunday, December 25, 2011

Is this your first child?

I'm not so sure how people have been asking this question. Sometimes they seem to word it "Is this your first pregnancy?" or as "Is this your first child?" I always appear to hesitate and I had to say "YES" to most strangers.... I hate saying it but I guess I don't trust everyone with sharing my special babies. Before I was pregnant again, I was bombarded with "Do you have any children?" It hurts to see a few of John's coworkers with newborn daughters. Last week when we met up with them and one brought her newborn daughter, I couldn't make eye contact with the mother. I felt my bitterness resurface and held back my tears thinking "Where is my daughter?" The other mother conceives easily, has an EASY pregnancy, and then pops out a healthy baby girl. My bitterness and grief are still buried in my heart even with this miracle baby inside of me. I miss my Josephine. My Joey. My first child. I have a daughter too except no one sees her. She is in heaven and it feels so far away even though we will be reunited one day.
I'm not saying I am taking my third baby for granted. My living son growing inside of me cannot replace the first child we had. I'm thoroughly ecstatic to still be pregnant yet I can't seem to face the holidays forgetting my Joey is missing....
So couple days ago I was asked again by a dental assistant if this was my first child. I felt this urge to say "No, I have one in heaven" and I felt like it was an out of body experience. I couldn't believe I just said those words. I said it and it felt good to acknowledge Joey. She asked me if it was a boy or a girl that I lost.... I shared that it was a girl. I think sometimes Baby Juno will be another selective time for me to share with others just because it will lead to more questions and me expressing not knowing the gender due to early miscarriage. For me, it's easier to share about  Joey because I know her gender... somehow Juno seems harder to share. I think all the Babyloss Moms will have their preferences and way of sharing....After reading many articles and Facebook comments of some BLMs, I recognize the uniqueness of our boundaries and the need to respect each others' differences when it comes to sharing about our babies.

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