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Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Joey's Daddy - His Pain

John and I watched the TV show "Lost" since we've been married. I don't know if many people will remember "Lost" years from now. There was one clip that hit home with us. The character Ben lost his daughter after he gave everything up for "Jacob" and expected "Jacob" to come rescue his daughter. These are John's words that he posted on Facebook after feeling a connection with Ben...
That link is for a video clip from the show LOST. If you haven't seen it, watch it. It's a great clip of what I have been going through the past 5 months. It's of a man who has lost his daughter and doesn't know what to do or who to follow. He thinks he's done everything he can only for it to go to waste. That is how I feel. I've done ministry, I've gone to teach in a christian school, i've worked hard, gone to mission trips, gave tithe, volunteered, join church groups, changed churches and with all that, I feel that it was all for nothing. I felt like that I had sacrificed so much for God. and after all this sacrifice, it was for nothing because i still lost my daughter. i felt like what the character felt, that God didn't care for me. i did all that for Him and there was nothing for me. the thought that always comes to mind is "why me"?

that was the pain i was in. we have been trying to conceive for 3 years. we have racked up all these doctor bills. we went to see so many different doctors. we both had to leave work early a couple of times a month. we were more and more in debt. for us, things were worse and worse until we finally conceived and it was the most joyous time of our life. and then as soon as we high, we came crashing down in a huge fire ball...

The past 5 months, i have yet to close my eyes to pray, sing a song to God or even talk to him. i don't know what to say or what to ask. the pain inside is killing me and i know there is nothing right now that can make it go away. every letter i type it hurts me because i know i'm talking about Joey and just wishing she were in the next room crying. but even with all this pain, i know what i'm suppose to be doing and what i'm suppose to be saying. i know God is there, i know he's waiting, i know he wants me to run to him, but right now, my back is to him and i'm just walking away further and further. again, everything in me tells me to turn around and just look, but my head is down and i'm in so much pain wondering "what if".

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