"Do you have any kids?" I have been getting this more often AFTER losing Joey. Maybe I look older after having Joey that causes strangers to ask me the baby question. Last month, I heard a nail tech talk about his son being 2 months old and my mind wandered realizing that Joey would've been about the same. Today is the exact 7th month anniversary of Joey being born sleeping. May 14th would be her 3 months earthly birthday.
This whole week was an emotional week for John and me. Maybe I felt bitter again that she was not here and the only one not here among church friends and coworkers as my school held their last two baby showers. John and I were also placed in a situation where we had to defend our child when a friend disagreed with something we did for our child. We both felt discouraged to lose friendships along this journey. My last visit to the physical therapist on Friday was emotional because the staff have seen me while I was pregnant Joey and afterwards for postpartum rehab. In a way, it was emotionally therapeutic too because I focused my mind on moving forward through physical recovery.
My physical therapist also had his daughter born at 24 weeks last month. A tiny preemie. I was so happy to see their daughter fight so hard to live. To this day, she is still making it... However, on the other side I still had Joey in mind. I wished that she could have hung in there a little longer... just 3 more weeks to 24... there's my "only if" again - only if my placenta wasn't infected.
I read Angie Smith's book (her blog is called Bring the Rain) "I will Carry You" this Mother's Day weekend. That was my way of "spending time" with Joey. I wanted to think about her and just process what I felt as I read the book. Even though the writer had three other girls, she was aching for her lost daughter. How does God give us moms so much love for each child? I was reminded to surrender to God all my fears of having another pregnancy and my fear of losing the loved ones around me. It is easier said than done. Couple months ago I was offended to hear others say "God is good" simply because Joey was not here. He has shown John and me His love through our old friends and new friends we met along this journey of loss. We are STILL confused, wounded, uncertain of our future... but He is the only one that can give us HOPE.
An older and wiser friend who walked the same path before emailed this to me recently "You are every bit a Mommy Patty - you have the hardest task of being a Mom - surrendering your child back to her Creator. I love you." It is hard but God who created her must be taking such good care of her. Mommy and Daddy miss you and love you, Joey!