As Mother's Day approaches...

My sadness lingers as Mother's Day approaches; perhaps my pattern is grieving the days PRIOR to the dreadful holidays. By the time the holidays come around, I try to ignore the significance of that day. This poem was published in my support group's newsletter... Just wanted to share.

"A Mother's Day Ode"
I am your mother, but you, my child, I cannot hold.
It'll get easier with time, or so I'm told.
People may forget that I am your mother.
I'm part of a secret club we only share with one another.
But that doesn't diminish my love for you.
I think of you the whole day through.
I wonder what you're doing, my Precious Little One.
We are connected by an Infinite bond which cannot come undone.
I will not let Death tear us apart.
I promise to always keep you alive in my heart. 
~ by Susan Mosquera

M.E.N.D. stands for Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death and this faith-based organization was started by a mother who lost her son to stillbirth. They have been a lifesaver for me - every time I felt like I was going crazy with grief I learned my emotions were the norm among my support group mothers. Their newsletters are filled with articles written by BLMs in different stages of grief, some whose grief is fresh and some moms who continue to keep their babies' legacy alive. My favorite theme is the Sept/Oct 2009 issue regarding our changing identities. Here is the link for more articles.

What are you doing for Mother's Day?

There are always posts I want to write but I find myself staying occupied with other things somehow. I ask myself am I sounding redundant? Didn't I go through these feelings all last year? However, things are surely different this time around. I know my right to grieve this year unlike last year I tried to mask my sadness with my smile.

I don't have any relatives to validate me as a mom on Mother's Day. I received one card from a friend who didn't lose a child but wanted to express compassion. It was sweet. I find myself at peace and in deep comfort knowing there are other moms from my local support group as well as blogging BLM's around the world feeling what I feel. My husband and I didn't do the usual dinner for his mom last year. I don't think she knew that NEED and LONGING I had for people I love to acknowledge the grief I dealt with. So another year of Mother's Day is coming around here in the U.S. I don't expect much from my family again but I told my husband with humor how I wanted to be acknowledged at least by him on Mommy's Day - "I am Joey's mom so buy me a gift!" I will celebrate my precious daughter and the special relationship I have with her that will be ongoing.

Frankly, I wanted to avoid being around family but we had no choice with the timing of it. My mom in law is going through so much herself taking care of her mother. We hope we can encourage her Sunday with BBQ ribs for lunch. I don't know what I will feel that morning. Sad, happy, lonely? Church is out of the picture... not because I think I will lose it if I see babies (I think I am pass that but who knows)... I think it's just my act of mourning for my daughter's absence.

If you are a BLM, I am curious to see what you are doing this year for Mother's Day. Please feel free to comment.

Orkut Myspace Mothers Day Comments & Graphics

Mother's Day reflection May 9th, 2009

"Do you have any kids?" I have been getting this more often AFTER losing Joey. Maybe I look older after having Joey that causes strangers to ask me the baby question. Last month, I heard a nail tech talk about his son being 2 months old and my mind wandered realizing that Joey would've been about the same. Today is the exact 7th month anniversary of Joey being born sleeping. May 14th would be her 3 months earthly birthday.

This whole week was an emotional week for John and me. Maybe I felt bitter again that she was not here and the only one not here among church friends and coworkers as my school held their last two baby showers. John and I were also placed in a situation where we had to defend our child when a friend disagreed with something we did for our child. We both felt discouraged to lose friendships along this journey. My last visit to the physical therapist on Friday was emotional because the staff have seen me while I was pregnant Joey and afterwards for postpartum rehab. In a way, it was emotionally therapeutic too because I focused my mind on moving forward through physical recovery.

My physical therapist also had his daughter born at 24 weeks last month. A tiny preemie. I was so happy to see their daughter fight so hard to live. To this day, she is still making it... However, on the other side I still had Joey in mind. I wished that she could have hung in there a little longer... just 3 more weeks to 24... there's my "only if" again - only if my placenta wasn't infected.

I read Angie Smith's book (her blog is called Bring the Rain) "I will Carry You" this Mother's Day weekend. That was my way of "spending time" with Joey. I wanted to think about her and just process what I felt as I read the book. Even though the writer had three other girls, she was aching for her lost daughter. How does God give us moms so much love for each child? I was reminded to surrender to God all my fears of having another pregnancy and my fear of losing the loved ones around me. It is easier said than done. Couple months ago I was offended to hear others say "God is good" simply because Joey was not here. He has shown John and me His love through our old friends and new friends we met along this journey of loss. We are STILL confused, wounded, uncertain of our future... but He is the only one that can give us HOPE.

An older and wiser friend who walked the same path before emailed this to me recently "You are every bit a Mommy Patty - you have the hardest task of being a Mom - surrendering your child back to her Creator. I love you." It is hard but God who created her must be taking such good care of her. Mommy and Daddy miss you and love you, Joey!