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Wednesday, August 15, 2012

We Miss Joey!

It's 9:41 PM right now and my son fell asleep earlier. He is getting better with sleeping on his own in the crib at four months now. What a big boy! He is a handful though - probably because he is a BOY! I am utterly exhausted as a stay home mom but I can't take for granted watching him grow so quickly before my eyes. I wish I had the energy to log all his firsts and have the exact dates to them but I realized how motherhood fatigue can drain me. I am willing to let go of perfection and admit that I am not good at scrapbooking and preserving all the memories as I thought I would.... We don't make it to places on time.... My house is never clean....

This month my heart is wrenching with moments of grief again. I have cried already before as I talk to Ayden about Joey. My husband imagined Joey in heaven with two other friends' babies. He said he was tearing up at work. As I watch my son's developmental stages, I fantasize what Joey would've looked like at his age. I think about what she would've said about her squealing and active little brother. This month is hard for me as October approaches soon. John has to work on her birthday so we don't know how we will be celebrating Joey's third birthday. My baby would've been three if she was born alive. I am a mother to a toddler in heaven. I miss her!!!! I want to brush her hair and pin them with cute bows. I want to sing girly songs with her and watch her play with her dolls. My brother in law will be having a girl next month. It's hard enough to not be in good terms with them right now and then they are having a girl. I just want to be genuinely happy for them if I visit them at the hospital. I don't want to let grief overtake me while I am at the hospital.

Joey, you are growing up so fast while Daddy and Mommy miss out on it. We are so happy to have your brother with us and one day he'll be old enough to know you. We miss you so much! We love you!

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