It's August. A student that I taught overseas approaches John and me at a restaurant. He's in college and already a newlywed. He tells us his wife is pregnant... We don't know how to respond to that or maybe we don't want to react to it. I ignore the painful jab of unfairness and ask how he was doing juggling with marriage and odd jobs.
I feel like I am falling again... hitting rock bottom.
Couple days later someone mentions that a husband's old friend is going to have a third child. I remember somehow treading upon that announcement on facebook months ago. I try not to compare my life with others but sometimes it just speaks out to me loud and clear that every other couple has moved on to their next chapter of life - parenthood.
I start to roll down the hill of grief...anger...jealousy...until I can't suppress the pain any longer. This is the time when I wail on my bed before I go to sleep. John hears me crying and holds me. "Life's not fair, God!" "Why does everyone else get to have children but we lose one after years of trying?"
This is just one description of numerous occasions when pain just escalated. After a summer of unsuccessful treatments and another laparoscopy/hysteroscopy, discouragement and hopelessness clouded my mind. I joined a Bible study with my former infertility support group in Dallas/Ft Worth from last year, Fertility Challenges Support. I adore the group leader for pouring God's love upon couples like us. The questions that resonate with me are "Who is God to you?" and "How will you raise your children when He answers your prayer?"
I find HOPE in the fact that God doesn't change. John and I have blamed Him for losing Joey; I felt like I was being punished. The enemy really knew the most tender part of my soul and he knew how to blind me from God's love. I want to know all the answers now but I find hope in trusting His goodness. I don't know if my next treatment will work and I may find myself in tears again. Every time I hit rock bottom, God gently lifts me with hope again. I also feel hopeful as I celebrate with one friend (God Keeps His Promises blog) who has adopted a beautiful son and another who is pregnant after losing her son.
14 more days 'til Joey's first birthday.