Almost Thanksgiving

My husband has been through several funerals lately; they were all related to his coworkers' siblings or child. Yes, one was a baby. We met up with this couple last Thursday. This couple did IUI like we did and conceived twins but the mom had some complications later. She later delivered her twins with a C-section at 23 wks and 6 days. I really thought the twins were fortunate to be alive; what miracles they were! One twin, Baby B., passed away after an organ infection... I am relieved that they were able to spend time with their child and even bathe her and take many pictures. Their funeral this week was beautiful. Baby B. is so loved by her grandparents and most of all, her mommy and daddy.
The mom arranged for John and I to see the other surviving twin, Baby E. I remember washing my hands and arms with hot water and feeling so paranoid that the germs would contaminate the baby. You see, deep inside I am working through this feeling of failure and extremely irrational thinking that the babies I touch will die; I don't think that I can babysit infants for a long time. Well, I will have to process this fear with a therapist one day. Anyhow, I was able to gently pinch Baby E's fingers; she even had finger nails growing. They were so precious! I thought how much smaller Joey's fingers would've been. I was not  emotional through this, surprisingly, and my husband wasn't either when he went to the NICU after me. I was only mesmerized by the tiny beauty of this living baby and how she was in such great hands by the wonderful nurses. It could've been Joey - I grieve about that. I can't believe how much 3 additional weeks make a difference in a baby's life.
My husband will be celebrating our 7th year anniversary on the 22nd. I have to say it's bittersweet as our home is empty. I feel so thankful that our LOVE has grown through the trials of infertility and losing Joey...then this tiny life that we were already dreaming about. We were apathetic and numb last year - we didn't celebrate anything. We ended up eating a hearty Crackel Barrel Thanksgiving meal right next to a family that had an infant cooing and giggling. Oh, the memories of grief! I can half laugh and half cry as I recall those moments of fresh pain. I LOVE my husband... for his honesty that he doesn't have it all together as the leader of our family and I don't either as a wife. His love for Joey drove him to establish a fundraiser for a poverty fighting organization. He made a video for Joey. He reminds me that it's not my fault that we lost Joey. He knows how to laugh and make me laugh when times are tough.

Seven Years Ago, November 22, 2003