Living in a "limbo" was commented by blogger Dana in one of my posts. I thought about it and all the delays of volunteering or traveling have been set by this "limbo."I want to find different ways to cope because of my powerlessness to this thing called infertility or the tragedy of losing a baby (Calvin's mom talks about "powerlessness" in her blog). Some of the things I would like to do as a means of coping are not beneficial for TTC. For example, whether I can realistically make it or not, I would like to participate in a boot camp just to get all my anger and frustration out!!! Right now it's probably not a good idea as I am still going through treatments. I take it day by day... trying out different recipes for cooking.... enjoying time with my hubby for his summer off... reading...
All my summers were supposed to be enjoyable. However, we were both financially unable to plan a nice getaway and medically feeling protective of possible pregnancies. I like the feeling of hopefulness when I actually go through with IUIs. I DO NOT like the feeling of disappointment when I stumble upon medical obstacles or another negative preg test. I am quite tired of this "limbo." What really goes through my mind in this journey is the PLAN. Not that our plans have ever gone through but I mentally start calculating how many more cycles I want to do the IUIs and if something goes wrong, I wonder what it will take to pursue inter'al adoption. Yes, this is overwhelming every time I do this. I say all this just to express how depleted I feel from not knowing the answers. I pray that this summer will be the last summer of being in this transitional state. At this moment, I don't think I can go through another long summer of uncertainties.
So another July 4th is coming up. The first July 4th was the hardest without Joey. I would like to get out of town even if it's not so far. I would like to celebrate what we still have even while missing Joey and Juno. I still have my little furbaby and my dear husband.... we have each other through the hard times like this.
Showing posts with label IUI. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IUI. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Letting Go
H.O.P.E.
Once again I was ready to TTC after recovering from the TAC surgery. It was scary to try again with the added risk of a C-section due to the TAC procedure.
Thankfulness
A dear BLM from my support group offered her follistim cartridge for free. She was pregnant and didn't need it anymore. It was encouraging.
C-O-N-T-R-O-L
I wanted this IUI cycle to be PERFECT. Even though we can do the drills with our eyes closed by now I was still struggling for control. I panicked for a moment when we realized the follistim pen was NOT in the fridge like we thought it was supposed to be!!! My panic was relieved when we discovered that refrigeration was not necessary once the cartridge was pierced when my hubby googled it.
C-O-N-T-R-O-L --- I wanted to tell God that this HAD to be it. Haven't we waited long enough? Haven't we suffered enough?
Dis a point ment
After thinking everything was going smoothly, there was a long eerie pause coming from my good ol' sono tech. He is not the type of guy that talks much but seeing him for 2 years off and on, I have picked up on his gestures. When I hear him clicking on that sonogram machine and scanning repeatedly, I know SOMETHING is wrong. The longer he takes on that ultrasound, the more anxious I become. After he released a frustrated sigh, he told me my body had already ovulated. There was not going to be an IUI this cycle.
Frustration
I was ready for another IUI cycle today. The sonogram showed 3 cysts on my left ovary. One is acceptable for a treatment but more than one required a break. The medications stimulate more follicles and when those eggs are not released they expand into liquid filled cysts. I was told to wait it out since they typically go away after one cycle of break. I don't know if I am more frustrated or relieved. Relieved that I don't have to spend money. Relieved to take a break from those darn hormones which exhaust me physically and swallow me into a barrage of emotions. We will try naturally this cycle. I will let go of this self-defeating battle between me and mother nature. Let go, destress, focus, keep going, Patty.
Once again I was ready to TTC after recovering from the TAC surgery. It was scary to try again with the added risk of a C-section due to the TAC procedure.
Thankfulness
A dear BLM from my support group offered her follistim cartridge for free. She was pregnant and didn't need it anymore. It was encouraging.
C-O-N-T-R-O-L
I wanted this IUI cycle to be PERFECT. Even though we can do the drills with our eyes closed by now I was still struggling for control. I panicked for a moment when we realized the follistim pen was NOT in the fridge like we thought it was supposed to be!!! My panic was relieved when we discovered that refrigeration was not necessary once the cartridge was pierced when my hubby googled it.
C-O-N-T-R-O-L --- I wanted to tell God that this HAD to be it. Haven't we waited long enough? Haven't we suffered enough?
Dis a point ment
After thinking everything was going smoothly, there was a long eerie pause coming from my good ol' sono tech. He is not the type of guy that talks much but seeing him for 2 years off and on, I have picked up on his gestures. When I hear him clicking on that sonogram machine and scanning repeatedly, I know SOMETHING is wrong. The longer he takes on that ultrasound, the more anxious I become. After he released a frustrated sigh, he told me my body had already ovulated. There was not going to be an IUI this cycle.
Frustration
I was ready for another IUI cycle today. The sonogram showed 3 cysts on my left ovary. One is acceptable for a treatment but more than one required a break. The medications stimulate more follicles and when those eggs are not released they expand into liquid filled cysts. I was told to wait it out since they typically go away after one cycle of break. I don't know if I am more frustrated or relieved. Relieved that I don't have to spend money. Relieved to take a break from those darn hormones which exhaust me physically and swallow me into a barrage of emotions. We will try naturally this cycle. I will let go of this self-defeating battle between me and mother nature. Let go, destress, focus, keep going, Patty.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Almost Thanksgiving
My husband has been through several funerals lately; they were all related to his coworkers' siblings or child. Yes, one was a baby. We met up with this couple last Thursday. This couple did IUI like we did and conceived twins but the mom had some complications later. She later delivered her twins with a C-section at 23 wks and 6 days. I really thought the twins were fortunate to be alive; what miracles they were! One twin, Baby B., passed away after an organ infection... I am relieved that they were able to spend time with their child and even bathe her and take many pictures. Their funeral this week was beautiful. Baby B. is so loved by her grandparents and most of all, her mommy and daddy.
The mom arranged for John and I to see the other surviving twin, Baby E. I remember washing my hands and arms with hot water and feeling so paranoid that the germs would contaminate the baby. You see, deep inside I am working through this feeling of failure and extremely irrational thinking that the babies I touch will die; I don't think that I can babysit infants for a long time. Well, I will have to process this fear with a therapist one day. Anyhow, I was able to gently pinch Baby E's fingers; she even had finger nails growing. They were so precious! I thought how much smaller Joey's fingers would've been. I was not emotional through this, surprisingly, and my husband wasn't either when he went to the NICU after me. I was only mesmerized by the tiny beauty of this living baby and how she was in such great hands by the wonderful nurses. It could've been Joey - I grieve about that. I can't believe how much 3 additional weeks make a difference in a baby's life.
My husband will be celebrating our 7th year anniversary on the 22nd. I have to say it's bittersweet as our home is empty. I feel so thankful that our LOVE has grown through the trials of infertility and losing Joey...then this tiny life that we were already dreaming about. We were apathetic and numb last year - we didn't celebrate anything. We ended up eating a hearty Crackel Barrel Thanksgiving meal right next to a family that had an infant cooing and giggling. Oh, the memories of grief! I can half laugh and half cry as I recall those moments of fresh pain. I LOVE my husband... for his honesty that he doesn't have it all together as the leader of our family and I don't either as a wife. His love for Joey drove him to establish a fundraiser for a poverty fighting organization. He made a video for Joey. He reminds me that it's not my fault that we lost Joey. He knows how to laugh and make me laugh when times are tough.
The mom arranged for John and I to see the other surviving twin, Baby E. I remember washing my hands and arms with hot water and feeling so paranoid that the germs would contaminate the baby. You see, deep inside I am working through this feeling of failure and extremely irrational thinking that the babies I touch will die; I don't think that I can babysit infants for a long time. Well, I will have to process this fear with a therapist one day. Anyhow, I was able to gently pinch Baby E's fingers; she even had finger nails growing. They were so precious! I thought how much smaller Joey's fingers would've been. I was not emotional through this, surprisingly, and my husband wasn't either when he went to the NICU after me. I was only mesmerized by the tiny beauty of this living baby and how she was in such great hands by the wonderful nurses. It could've been Joey - I grieve about that. I can't believe how much 3 additional weeks make a difference in a baby's life.
My husband will be celebrating our 7th year anniversary on the 22nd. I have to say it's bittersweet as our home is empty. I feel so thankful that our LOVE has grown through the trials of infertility and losing Joey...then this tiny life that we were already dreaming about. We were apathetic and numb last year - we didn't celebrate anything. We ended up eating a hearty Crackel Barrel Thanksgiving meal right next to a family that had an infant cooing and giggling. Oh, the memories of grief! I can half laugh and half cry as I recall those moments of fresh pain. I LOVE my husband... for his honesty that he doesn't have it all together as the leader of our family and I don't either as a wife. His love for Joey drove him to establish a fundraiser for a poverty fighting organization. He made a video for Joey. He reminds me that it's not my fault that we lost Joey. He knows how to laugh and make me laugh when times are tough.
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| Seven Years Ago, November 22, 2003 |
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