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Monday, May 16, 2011

Letting Go

Once again I was ready to TTC after recovering from the TAC surgery. It was scary to try again with the added risk of a C-section due to the TAC procedure.

A dear BLM from my support group offered her follistim cartridge for free. She was pregnant and didn't need it anymore. It was encouraging.

    I wanted this IUI cycle to be PERFECT.  Even though we can do the drills with our eyes closed by now I was still struggling for control. I panicked for a moment when we realized the follistim pen was NOT in the fridge like we thought it was supposed to be!!! My panic was relieved when we discovered that refrigeration was not necessary once the cartridge was pierced when my hubby googled it.
C-O-N-T-R-O-L  --- I wanted to tell God that this HAD to be it. Haven't we waited long enough? Haven't we suffered enough?

             Dis a point ment
            After thinking everything was going smoothly, there was a long eerie pause coming from  my good ol' sono tech. He is not the type of guy that talks much but seeing him for 2 years off and on, I have picked up on his gestures. When I hear him clicking on that sonogram machine and scanning repeatedly, I know SOMETHING is wrong. The longer he takes on that ultrasound, the more anxious I become. After he released a frustrated sigh, he told me my body had already ovulated. There was not going to be an IUI this cycle.

                           I was ready for another IUI cycle today. The sonogram showed 3 cysts on my left ovary. One is acceptable for a treatment but more than one required a break. The medications stimulate more follicles and when those eggs are not released they expand into liquid filled cysts. I was told to wait it out since they typically go away after one cycle of break. I don't know if I am more frustrated or relieved. Relieved that I don't have to spend money. Relieved to take a break from those darn hormones which exhaust me physically and swallow me into a barrage of emotions. We will try naturally this cycle. I will let go of this self-defeating battle between me and mother nature. Let go, destress, focus, keep going, Patty.


  1. ((hugs)) i'm so sorry about this frustration and disappointment, but i hope that this break from meds ends up being the exception that gives your sweet Joey a baby brother or sister that you can hold in your arms and watch grow up.

  2. Patty, I'm sorry things didn't go as planned. I may have some info that might be helpful for you getting meds for your next cycle. There is a program called Compassionate Care -and if you qualify, you can get up to 1000iu of Gonal-F for free, contact me through my blog (there is an email link) if you want more details - or check it out yourself it is a program through Serono. Wishing you the best as you take this time out.