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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Being in a Limbo

Living in a "limbo" was commented by blogger Dana in one of my posts. I thought about it and all the delays of volunteering or traveling have been set by this "limbo."I want to find different ways to cope because of my powerlessness to this thing called  infertility or the tragedy of losing a baby (Calvin's mom talks about "powerlessness" in her blog). Some of the things I would like to do as a means of coping are not beneficial for TTC. For example, whether I can realistically make it or not, I would like to participate in a boot camp just to get all my anger and frustration out!!!  Right now it's probably not a good idea as I am still going through treatments. I take it day by day... trying out different recipes for cooking.... enjoying time with my hubby for his summer off... reading...

All my summers were supposed to be enjoyable. However, we were both financially unable to plan a nice getaway and medically feeling protective of possible pregnancies. I like the feeling of hopefulness when I actually go through with IUIs. I DO NOT like the feeling of disappointment when I stumble upon medical obstacles or another negative preg test. I am quite tired of this "limbo." What really goes through my mind in this journey is the PLAN. Not that our plans have ever gone through but I mentally start calculating how many more cycles I want to do the IUIs and if something goes wrong, I wonder what it will take to pursue inter'al adoption. Yes, this is overwhelming every time I do this. I say all this just to express how depleted I feel from not knowing the answers. I pray that this summer will be the last summer of being in this transitional state. At this moment, I don't think I can go through another long summer of uncertainties.

So another July 4th is coming up. The first July 4th was the hardest without Joey. I would like to get out of town even if it's not so far. I would like to celebrate what we still have even while missing Joey and Juno. I still have my little furbaby and my dear husband.... we have each other through the hard times like this.

1 comment:

  1. I hope you get your wish. You deserve a pleasant weekend away where you and your husband can just be together, and be yourselves. Joey and Juno are so loved. You two are an amazing couple.