About juno

This week I thought of Juno randomly while driving. I thought about the regrets I had... such as subbing at a school couple days before the pregnancy test. I thought surely subbing a third grade class would be a breeze but of course, there was one thuggish kid who caught me off guard. I tried not to stress about it. The next day I was completely sick with high fever. I should've at least taken something for it but I didn't. That week was one of the highest pollen days and many people posted on facebook how sick they were. After the 7 week sonogram discovery of the blighted ovum, I asked the RE if having a high fever for two days could've caused it. It was embarrassing because I was trying to talk while sniffing and crying at the same time. All he could say was "Maybe, it could have." There are no definite answers to my last loss. In my mind I just wonder what in the world am I supposed to do. Should I just stay home and live like the "bubble boy" movie - protected inside a plastic sanitized bubble? Did my one decision to go out and work change the outcome of my baby? Or was this truly a defect of the chromosomes that I had no control over?

I wish I was OVERLY cautious about everything. I feel like I worked through a heavy load of guilt over Joey and now it happens again with Juno.

Joey's 2nd anniversary/birthday is coming around soon. I can't believe it.... Hubby and I still talk about her  saying "Joey would've liked this or done this." Even at Costco we pick out toys we like for Joey.

I liked these quotes about miscarriage or stillbirth from Losing Aidan blog.
"...having a miscarriage is like joining a sisterhood you didn’t want to or didn’t know about." - ourhopeplace.com

"Getting pregnant is like being proposed to, and having a miscarriage is like being dumped at the altar." - Darlene Schacht, christianwomenonline.net

(I especially like this one because this is the exact feeling after a loss. Once we get that positive preg test, we feel like it's another promise or hope to have a baby. I see myself waiting at the altar for the promise only to find myself abandoned by a promise. Then when I see pregnant women, I feel shocked and hurt as if I just bumped into an ex-fiance who dumped me - this ex-fiance analogy was provided by a book I read "Bittersweet" by Shauna Niequist.)

Baby Juno

Today was the due date for my miscarried baby. June 20th. Today is the day I once again "could've" had a living child if the pregnancy went perfectly. My husband had a feeling the baby could've been a boy but of course, we will never know until we see "him" one day. I wanted a unisex name and thought of "June" from the due date then "Juno" as a nickname.
To medical professionals he was merely a blighted ovum. An embryo that didn't quite make it. A chromosomal mishap. I even tried to make light of this past miscarriage from November but I can't get past the fact how much we wanted the baby. The baby stopped growing and we didn't get to see the baby. I only remember the empty sac from the sonogram. How could a baby just not be there? I know some ladies keep every pregnancy tests but I never bothered to even though getting a BFP is truly rare and precious to me. The picture of Juno's positive BFP is all I have left of him. He really did exist. Does anyone care? I may not cry as much as I do for Joey but Baby Juno was loved and dearly wanted by us. I hope that's all what counts for a miscarried baby to be as valid as any other baby.

In a perfect world I would be holding my two children.

Lost you before I found you

Gone before you came

But I love you just the same

Missed you before I met you

On earth we never can

But in heaven we’ll meet again

Chorus from the song "Still" by Gerrit Hofsink

Surviving the Holidays

Oh my! I can't believe it's December again. I want to write about so many things on my mind but then I don't have the strength to blog. I've been coping by baking away, cooking, and doing dishes. I never had the time to bake when I worked but with all the time in my hands I had to take a break from GRIEF if possible by baking. 


I didn't have to do the D&C after all... Dec 6th sonogram showed an empty uterus and I was so relieved. Right after the hospital visit I went shopping for the Faces of Loss ornament exchange with another mom named Brittaney. Then I was attacked with overwhelming emotions while shopping and seeing these pregnant ladies everywhere I went. Sometimes just out of humor I picture myself in Jim Carey's character from the movie "The Truman Show." If you've seen it, everyone is an actor in this man's life and every event is planned intentionally to see Truman's reaction! Sometimes life feels that way for someone like me that has been enduring infertility and two losses. As much as I wanted to "minimize" this loss, I just couldn't avoid what I really felt about this baby even if to others it was just a blighted ovum. My husband and I wanted this baby then this little one was gone too soon...then I had to get rid of the empty sac that metaphorically felt like an empty promise...then everything went my way medically...what a blessing it was...I should've been grateful to God but I still felt these emotions of loss during my shopping trip.


Dec 7th was the candlelight service. My husband and I cried not only for ourselves but for many others who lost multiple times or who felt fresh pain from their recent losses. It was good to say Josephine's name and call out Baby Lee as another loss instead of being in denial. That evening another mom, whom I met only a couple of times from our support group, gave me a sweet card for my miscarriage - it was a small gesture but it sure did make me cry from feeling vulnerable.
Even couple days ago, hubby and I went out to eat and I saw a waiter's name "Joey" on his shirt as he walked by. I was getting a lump stuck in my throat. I really wanted to run out and hug him and tell him that he had a special name just like my daughter in heaven. Now that would've been a Youtube moment if I had really done that, right?!! What would this kid have done to a crazy mom like me? He was a nice kid who came to us and gave us an inside tip on how to save money next time. I liked him even more! It is strange how seeing my daughter's name anywhere draws me closer to her. Love my Joey!

We don't have the tree up this year. The stockings give me some comfort knowing that I do have a family even though I miss Joey unbearably at times.

                      Tiny stocking above Joey's represents my little miscarried one.

Thanks to Brittaney's ornament exchange I have another ornament for Joey! Yes, she's with Jesus.

Waiting Sucks...

There is just no way to sugar coat what I am going through. It just sucks to wait and wait and wait. John and I waited to get pregnant when doctors kept saying that this and this should work...It was 2 years of TTC and trying out different doctors before I found out that I had endometriosis...It took 5 months to completely heal from severe postpartum back pain...It took 2 IUI cycles to discover that I had a uterine polyp hindering my pregnancy...Now I'm waiting to naturally miscarry. I guess out of all this negativity of waiting I am hoping that my body's ability to eliminate the sac will be a blessing. I would like to avoid the alternate route if at all possible.

I want to be done with this pregnancy because I'm technically not pregnant. The tiny life died early on as the sac progressed to grow. I found out online that this was called blighted ovum. My doctor didn't explain much since we were choking up in tears. Our wedding anniversary is coming up on the week of Thanksgiving. I want to be finished with this soon... I just feel sad about all this. There are days when I cannot get myself to do dishes or at least try to be productive; I cannot even leave the house. I am "angry" at my body so to speak. Ever since I found out about the miscarriage, I just started eating poorly and stopped taking prenatals religiously. What's the use? I feel betrayed by my own body. Just angry. I hope this funk won't last too long.