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Saturday, December 18, 2010

Surviving the Holidays

Oh my! I can't believe it's December again. I want to write about so many things on my mind but then I don't have the strength to blog. I've been coping by baking away, cooking, and doing dishes. I never had the time to bake when I worked but with all the time in my hands I had to take a break from GRIEF if possible by baking. 

I didn't have to do the D&C after all... Dec 6th sonogram showed an empty uterus and I was so relieved. Right after the hospital visit I went shopping for the Faces of Loss ornament exchange with another mom named Brittaney. Then I was attacked with overwhelming emotions while shopping and seeing these pregnant ladies everywhere I went. Sometimes just out of humor I picture myself in Jim Carey's character from the movie "The Truman Show." If you've seen it, everyone is an actor in this man's life and every event is planned intentionally to see Truman's reaction! Sometimes life feels that way for someone like me that has been enduring infertility and two losses. As much as I wanted to "minimize" this loss, I just couldn't avoid what I really felt about this baby even if to others it was just a blighted ovum. My husband and I wanted this baby then this little one was gone too soon...then I had to get rid of the empty sac that metaphorically felt like an empty promise...then everything went my way medically...what a blessing it was...I should've been grateful to God but I still felt these emotions of loss during my shopping trip.

Dec 7th was the candlelight service. My husband and I cried not only for ourselves but for many others who lost multiple times or who felt fresh pain from their recent losses. It was good to say Josephine's name and call out Baby Lee as another loss instead of being in denial. That evening another mom, whom I met only a couple of times from our support group, gave me a sweet card for my miscarriage - it was a small gesture but it sure did make me cry from feeling vulnerable.
Even couple days ago, hubby and I went out to eat and I saw a waiter's name "Joey" on his shirt as he walked by. I was getting a lump stuck in my throat. I really wanted to run out and hug him and tell him that he had a special name just like my daughter in heaven. Now that would've been a Youtube moment if I had really done that, right?!! What would this kid have done to a crazy mom like me? He was a nice kid who came to us and gave us an inside tip on how to save money next time. I liked him even more! It is strange how seeing my daughter's name anywhere draws me closer to her. Love my Joey!

We don't have the tree up this year. The stockings give me some comfort knowing that I do have a family even though I miss Joey unbearably at times.

                      Tiny stocking above Joey's represents my little miscarried one.

Thanks to Brittaney's ornament exchange I have another ornament for Joey! Yes, she's with Jesus.


  1. Awww, I love Joey's stocking and the one for baby Lee. You are such a great mom. I hope that you feel God's grace even more during this Holiday season.