A Reflection on a Movie

 I made it through my second Christmas without Joey by keeping to ourselves. John's parents were away on their fishing vacation and his brother was out of town with his wife as newlyweds. We went to see Joey and I gave her a Tinkerbell toy... don't know why but it reminded me of my girl. It was my birthday also but I just wanted to make it another day as a way of coping. We went to the movies last night and watched "The King's Speech" - with an exception to not getting some jokes, I loved the movie. Before the movie started, the "Rabbit Hole" preview was shown. My dear friend had mentioned this movie before because it was about a couple who had lost their 4 yr old son... starring Nicole Kidman. I haven't seen the movie but my friend shared a portion of the script with me.... I think many babyloss moms can relate. Here is the link for the preview on Youtube. Nicole Kidman plays Becca in the movie:

BECCA
Does it ever go away?

NAT
What.

BECCA
This feeling.

They lock eyes. Nat can see she actually wants an answer.
Maybe for the first time ever.

NAT
No. I don't think it does. Not for me it hasn't. And that's goin' on eleven years. (beat) It changes though.

BECCA
How?

NAT
I don't know. The weight of it, I guess. At some point it becomes
bearable. It turns into something you can crawl out from under, and
carry around - like a brick in your pocket. And you forget it every
once in a while, but then you reach in for whatever reason and there it is: "Oh right. That." Which can be awful. But not all the time. Sometimes it's kinda... Not that you like it exactly, but it's what
you have instead of your son, so you don't wanna let go of it either. So you carry it around. And it doesn't go away, which is...

BECCA
What.

NAT
Fine...actually.

In my support group, many of us moms have expressed fear of feeling happy again and trying to move forward. My leader mentioned how common it is for us to hold back on happiness in front of others because we don't want them to think that we're getting over our babies. We never will. This part of the movie script made me think of how I looked happy in front of others because I set aside my grief for a little while. Then at the same time I didn't want them to think that I was completely okay - I just felt like my coworkers and friends assumed I was moving on... Maybe I want to always feel some part of this grief because it keeps Joey alive even as I heal over time. It is a "brick in my pocket."