About juno

This week I thought of Juno randomly while driving. I thought about the regrets I had... such as subbing at a school couple days before the pregnancy test. I thought surely subbing a third grade class would be a breeze but of course, there was one thuggish kid who caught me off guard. I tried not to stress about it. The next day I was completely sick with high fever. I should've at least taken something for it but I didn't. That week was one of the highest pollen days and many people posted on facebook how sick they were. After the 7 week sonogram discovery of the blighted ovum, I asked the RE if having a high fever for two days could've caused it. It was embarrassing because I was trying to talk while sniffing and crying at the same time. All he could say was "Maybe, it could have." There are no definite answers to my last loss. In my mind I just wonder what in the world am I supposed to do. Should I just stay home and live like the "bubble boy" movie - protected inside a plastic sanitized bubble? Did my one decision to go out and work change the outcome of my baby? Or was this truly a defect of the chromosomes that I had no control over?

I wish I was OVERLY cautious about everything. I feel like I worked through a heavy load of guilt over Joey and now it happens again with Juno.

Joey's 2nd anniversary/birthday is coming around soon. I can't believe it.... Hubby and I still talk about her  saying "Joey would've liked this or done this." Even at Costco we pick out toys we like for Joey.

I liked these quotes about miscarriage or stillbirth from Losing Aidan blog.
"...having a miscarriage is like joining a sisterhood you didn’t want to or didn’t know about." - ourhopeplace.com

"Getting pregnant is like being proposed to, and having a miscarriage is like being dumped at the altar." - Darlene Schacht, christianwomenonline.net

(I especially like this one because this is the exact feeling after a loss. Once we get that positive preg test, we feel like it's another promise or hope to have a baby. I see myself waiting at the altar for the promise only to find myself abandoned by a promise. Then when I see pregnant women, I feel shocked and hurt as if I just bumped into an ex-fiance who dumped me - this ex-fiance analogy was provided by a book I read "Bittersweet" by Shauna Niequist.)

Baby Juno

Today was the due date for my miscarried baby. June 20th. Today is the day I once again "could've" had a living child if the pregnancy went perfectly. My husband had a feeling the baby could've been a boy but of course, we will never know until we see "him" one day. I wanted a unisex name and thought of "June" from the due date then "Juno" as a nickname.
To medical professionals he was merely a blighted ovum. An embryo that didn't quite make it. A chromosomal mishap. I even tried to make light of this past miscarriage from November but I can't get past the fact how much we wanted the baby. The baby stopped growing and we didn't get to see the baby. I only remember the empty sac from the sonogram. How could a baby just not be there? I know some ladies keep every pregnancy tests but I never bothered to even though getting a BFP is truly rare and precious to me. The picture of Juno's positive BFP is all I have left of him. He really did exist. Does anyone care? I may not cry as much as I do for Joey but Baby Juno was loved and dearly wanted by us. I hope that's all what counts for a miscarried baby to be as valid as any other baby.

In a perfect world I would be holding my two children.

Lost you before I found you

Gone before you came

But I love you just the same

Missed you before I met you

On earth we never can

But in heaven we’ll meet again

Chorus from the song "Still" by Gerrit Hofsink