As Mother's Day approaches...

My sadness lingers as Mother's Day approaches; perhaps my pattern is grieving the days PRIOR to the dreadful holidays. By the time the holidays come around, I try to ignore the significance of that day. This poem was published in my support group's newsletter... Just wanted to share.

"A Mother's Day Ode"
I am your mother, but you, my child, I cannot hold.
It'll get easier with time, or so I'm told.
People may forget that I am your mother.
I'm part of a secret club we only share with one another.
But that doesn't diminish my love for you.
I think of you the whole day through.
I wonder what you're doing, my Precious Little One.
We are connected by an Infinite bond which cannot come undone.
I will not let Death tear us apart.
I promise to always keep you alive in my heart. 
~ by Susan Mosquera

M.E.N.D. stands for Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death and this faith-based organization was started by a mother who lost her son to stillbirth. They have been a lifesaver for me - every time I felt like I was going crazy with grief I learned my emotions were the norm among my support group mothers. Their newsletters are filled with articles written by BLMs in different stages of grief, some whose grief is fresh and some moms who continue to keep their babies' legacy alive. My favorite theme is the Sept/Oct 2009 issue regarding our changing identities. Here is the link for more articles.

What are you doing for Mother's Day?

There are always posts I want to write but I find myself staying occupied with other things somehow. I ask myself am I sounding redundant? Didn't I go through these feelings all last year? However, things are surely different this time around. I know my right to grieve this year unlike last year I tried to mask my sadness with my smile.

I don't have any relatives to validate me as a mom on Mother's Day. I received one card from a friend who didn't lose a child but wanted to express compassion. It was sweet. I find myself at peace and in deep comfort knowing there are other moms from my local support group as well as blogging BLM's around the world feeling what I feel. My husband and I didn't do the usual dinner for his mom last year. I don't think she knew that NEED and LONGING I had for people I love to acknowledge the grief I dealt with. So another year of Mother's Day is coming around here in the U.S. I don't expect much from my family again but I told my husband with humor how I wanted to be acknowledged at least by him on Mommy's Day - "I am Joey's mom so buy me a gift!" I will celebrate my precious daughter and the special relationship I have with her that will be ongoing.

Frankly, I wanted to avoid being around family but we had no choice with the timing of it. My mom in law is going through so much herself taking care of her mother. We hope we can encourage her Sunday with BBQ ribs for lunch. I don't know what I will feel that morning. Sad, happy, lonely? Church is out of the picture... not because I think I will lose it if I see babies (I think I am pass that but who knows)... I think it's just my act of mourning for my daughter's absence.

If you are a BLM, I am curious to see what you are doing this year for Mother's Day. Please feel free to comment.

Orkut Myspace Mothers Day Comments & Graphics

Easter

My Little Joey,
Today was cloudy and dark for the most part of the day. I know the day you were born the weather was so dark and I remember listening to the raindrops in that silent room.
Mommy and Daddy miss you more over Easter. I try to be happy because I know that one day I will see you again. Easter reminds me you are okay; you're with Jesus. Happy 2nd Easter in heaven, Joey.
Love you and miss you so much!! Hugs and kisses!

Love,
Mommy

He is Faithful

Today is hard... in fact, this whole month has been hard as I mentioned in my last post. I am holding on as best as I can to the truth of who He is. I truly believe that God will redeem this chapter of my life just as He will redeem me from my childhood deficits. I see so many holes throughout my life yet I cannot discount the fact that God has been with me from the moment I was conceived. No, I am a frail human being and I admit to not  always having the strength to give Him the glory when I am in the valley like this. I also do not have the theological answers as to why God allows certain things to happen to us in His sovereignty. I won't even go there because I still have so many questions. Recently, one of my old middle school teachers emailed me and she encouraged me to choose to "trust His heart" at a time of disappointment and frustration. That phrase came from an old song and it resonates with me as I am challenged to trust in His goodness for what has already been four and a half years of TTC (trying to conceive). I do not underestimate what we all go through waiting and waiting for our homes to be filled with the laughter of our beautiful children. It is just HARD!!! Even in the dark, God has a way of sending me His love through others. Whether I feel it or not today, I want to hold on to God's goodness and faithfulness. I pray for His redemption somewhere down the road of uncertainty. He alone knows just how much my husband and I love Joey. I listen to Steven Curtis Chapman's album "Beauty will Rise" over and over again because his songs are so raw from heartbrokenness. I heard that SCC took six months off from his tour after he lost his adoptive daughter.

This is the first portion of the song:
I am broken
I am bleeding
I am scared and I’m confused
But You are faithful
Yes you are faithful

I am weary
Unbelieving
God please help my unbelief
Cuz You are faithful
Yes you are faithful

I will proclaim it to the world
I will declare it to my heart
Sing it when the sun is shining
I will scream it in the dark

Spring and Grief

What is it about spring that triggers my grief? It is not as overwhelming as November and December. I think it's just any holiday that can trigger our grief. As Easter approaches, I vividly remember the overwhelming emotions last year just thinking about heaven. Every time my church sang a song about heaven, I was in tears... It was the first time heaven felt so real and personal to me as I thought of my own daughter safe in her new home called heaven and loved by God. She is a part of my husband and me; a part of us is in heaven. Although my grief is lighter this year, I am saddened to see children's Easter baskets and toys everywhere. Then there will be Mother's Day to deal with in May...


This spring has been filled with pregnancy news on Facebook. I somehow survived not reading people's posts but FB only became disturbing eventually. If this is the way to survive and cope until further healing takes place then I don't mind avoiding FB. It is surely nobody's fault that they are pregnant and able to have a successful pregnancy. However, they have no idea what tormenting thoughts run through the minds of a mom who has lost her baby. I believe my most tender spot is seeing moms make it to their third trimester because I grieve over what I had missed with Joey and now the miscarried baby. As I gradually lost the amniotic fluid, I did not know that my placenta was eventually infected and Joey was not able to move like a typical 21 weeker. I wish there were more memories of moving and kicking to cherish with Joey...

Spring flowers and pinwheel!!

To Hope Again

I have more days in my grief where I am just occupied with daily routines. It has helped to tutor some kids in the evenings and leave the house. I try to sub at my former school district once in a while even though financially I should be subbing more often. There were hobbies that I wanted to pick up on such as sewing so that I may be ready to sew for my children one day. However, sewing itself has never been easy when you're wondering what or whom to sew for while you don't have kids of your own.

It takes alot these days even after the TAC to get myself encouraged and hopeful for our future. My husband is a teacher and all of a sudden this week we weren't too sure about his job stability. My state has made some crappy choices to save money in this dwindling economy - cutting budget in public schools. We have enough to worry about and I just want to focus on one thing which is the very reason I quit my job - to have a healthy pregnancy and to bring our baby home. I need to consult with my RE and see when my treatments will start again. I am actually so scared to try again that I don't mind this waiting period. I have been resting at home anyways - it's been 3 weeks and I am just starting to feel a little better although not to the point where I can work out. I probably am the weakest link compared to other moms who are tougher than a short Asian lady! With medical bills heaping up, I can only be thankful that my husband and I are still determined to make sacrifices for our future children....

I admit how overwhelming it can be to think about every little step we have taken to find out why I couldn't conceive and then to pick ourselves up again after our losses. I have cried even after returning from the surgery. While in New Jersey, we met this wonderful couple from Canada who also had the same surgery the same day. I was disappointed that I missed two other couples who were TAC'd but we bumped into the Canadian couple while picking up our prescriptions. I was encouraged to see this couple's endurance in their complex and heartbreaking journey. I hope our stories will end with redemption as our loving Father works in ways we don't see... I HOPE this is the year. Here is a link to another blogger, mom of twin boys in heaven, who lives in my area and who shares the same OB!! She will have her CSection soon!

My last day with Dr Davis!! I think most ladies ask him for a picture!

My dearest Hubby who had to take care of me at the hospital!!

pPROM and Incompetent Cervix

So much has happened already this new year of 2011. After over a year of traumatically losing my daughter to pPROM, I have discovered that my cervix has been incompetent. PPROM is complex and it happens for numerous reasons; every mom experiences the rupture of membrane under her own unique circumstances. I had the IC on the back of my mind just because my RE examined how odd looking my cervix was. Then my new OB's nurse practitioner also identified the same observation in January. I was frustrated to not fully understand why my cervix was in a bad shape. She looked through my records and connected my condition to the hysteroscopy when the cervical fibroid was removed back in '08. I remembered that OB suspected a cervical polyp but it turned out to be a fibroid. I think he briefly explained that a deeper incision had occurred due to the fibroid but of course, what did I know back in 2008 about my body?! I only wanted to conceive so desperately and none of this made sense to me at that time. After I changed OBs for infertility issues, I only recalled the term "polyp" and kept referring to that procedure as a polyp removal....
Mid January I had a phone consultation with Dr Haney in Chicago who specializes in TAC. There were two moms that I know personally who had TAC with him. He had no doubt that I had pPROM'd from IC. I discussed TAC (transabdominal cerclage) with my new OB and she completely supported this decision since she already had one of Dr Haney's TAC patient. She also measured my cervix as short but wasn't sure if her measurements were accurate. My OB described how a portion of my cervix was "gone" or effaced. I couldn't go with Dr Haney's date in April - it didn't seem worth the wait when there was another skilled doctor in New Jersey. So here I am typing this blog the day before my TAC surgery with Dr Davis in New Jersey. He also examined my cervix and it was even shorter than what my OB described. Not only that, my cervix was tender and weak which shouldn't be for someone who's NOT pregnant. If my cervix was this weak, then there was no barrier such as a protective mucous plug that could have protected the pregnancy from bacteria. I had placenta previa - maybe the placenta was infected first causing the rupture. Dr Davis primarily does post-pregnancy TACs but he emphasized the advantage of pre-pregnancy TAC for me under my circumstances. I am relieved the timing of this is all working out.
It feels like redemption to finally know what went wrong after losing Joey but I have to admit it hurts...I wish this was not the way my life went. I wish I was able to change every event to save her. I am trying to remain hopeful for another child while I miss Joey so much. Tomorrow I will be TAC'd.