Joey's 2nd Birthday

My daughter is two years old in heaven today. We kept the grieving and celebration to ourselves unlike last year. Having friends and family over to the resting place last year gave me so much peace - the peace I didn't get to have without a funeral and holding her to say goodbye. I needed Joey to be validated as our baby and a person who passed away. I felt okay to celebrate between just us two as Mommy and Daddy.
It rained today just like the day she was born. No balloons or flowers today because of rain.

I always seem to ask John the same question "So what happened that day? Do you remember?" It was a nightmarish day yet I still want to hear John's side of the story over and over. While I was being induced with pills, J had to go home in the rain that morning. He was crying all by himself in the car and he doesn't remember how he made it home. He told our dog Joey was gone for good...took a shower....packed my clothes. All of this happened while I was in bed waiting to dilate. Two years ago already.

I felt guilty to not be able to bake her cake this time. I guess every year will be different. J and I will have to come up with different ways to celebrate her birthday each year.

September Memories

As my daughter's 2nd anniversary/birthday draws near, I am reminded of where I was around end of September two years ago. I remember.... in one hour of my 20 week appointment all the "bad" news were waddled up and delivered to us. Total previa - confirmed. We didn't know what that was back then. Then the eerie news that Joey's fluid was low. Was that bad news, urgent news, or something we can manage? The OB at that time merely gave me the number to call the perinatalologist after he did some sort of bacteria check. The first medical term I saw related to pPROM was "oligohydramnios." I didn't become familiar with the more common medical term, pPROM, until I went to my support group weeks after the loss.

So here I am rambling over the past....it's gone....it happened....it's done with. But it breaks my heart that there could've been MORE done for me and my baby. I should've been on bedrest and antibiotics right away even if it was too late. Yeah, I still feel this lingering anger towards the OB. I really don't think he treated me the way he would've his wife or pregnant daughter. I know there are always heartbreaking stories when I read through the PROM websites. Some moms were encouraged to terminate by delivering immediately without given alternate options. Some moms were fortunate to have miracles. I feel a pang of envy and injustice whenever I hear other OB's who went far and beyond to care for the pPROM mothers. By the way, I keep mentioning "pPROM" instead of "PROM" since 2nd trimester rupture is considered Preterm Premature Rupture of Membrane."

I don't remember if I strongly felt this dark cloud of memories last year around this time. I am just glad this month, this week is almost over.

23 month Anniversary

Today is another 9th before Joey's 2 year anniversary/birthday. She is 23 months old today in heaven. I miss her so much more these days. I find myself more emotional as I think of her more often these days. There will be more 2nd babies born this fall and winter to our friends. I have to say I know I haven't fully healed yet when I feel more envy than happiness for others. I try to say that is their life and my journey, whether I like it or not, is my life. Conceiving and having a healthy pregnancy will just be a challenge for me...my broken body....my luck. 


We were going to make Joey a name book this year as I was inspired by another BLM's book. 
I had second thoughts about it.... wondering how many people would actually respond. It was hard enough getting candlelight pictures for Joey's slideshow 2 years ago. I think they don't know how much the little things mean to us because there aren't many tangible things we have of Joey. 


We have a Walk to Remember October 1st. On her birthday, J and I may celebrate her short life among ourselves. 

About juno

This week I thought of Juno randomly while driving. I thought about the regrets I had... such as subbing at a school couple days before the pregnancy test. I thought surely subbing a third grade class would be a breeze but of course, there was one thuggish kid who caught me off guard. I tried not to stress about it. The next day I was completely sick with high fever. I should've at least taken something for it but I didn't. That week was one of the highest pollen days and many people posted on facebook how sick they were. After the 7 week sonogram discovery of the blighted ovum, I asked the RE if having a high fever for two days could've caused it. It was embarrassing because I was trying to talk while sniffing and crying at the same time. All he could say was "Maybe, it could have." There are no definite answers to my last loss. In my mind I just wonder what in the world am I supposed to do. Should I just stay home and live like the "bubble boy" movie - protected inside a plastic sanitized bubble? Did my one decision to go out and work change the outcome of my baby? Or was this truly a defect of the chromosomes that I had no control over?

I wish I was OVERLY cautious about everything. I feel like I worked through a heavy load of guilt over Joey and now it happens again with Juno.

Joey's 2nd anniversary/birthday is coming around soon. I can't believe it.... Hubby and I still talk about her  saying "Joey would've liked this or done this." Even at Costco we pick out toys we like for Joey.

I liked these quotes about miscarriage or stillbirth from Losing Aidan blog.
"...having a miscarriage is like joining a sisterhood you didn’t want to or didn’t know about." - ourhopeplace.com

"Getting pregnant is like being proposed to, and having a miscarriage is like being dumped at the altar." - Darlene Schacht, christianwomenonline.net

(I especially like this one because this is the exact feeling after a loss. Once we get that positive preg test, we feel like it's another promise or hope to have a baby. I see myself waiting at the altar for the promise only to find myself abandoned by a promise. Then when I see pregnant women, I feel shocked and hurt as if I just bumped into an ex-fiance who dumped me - this ex-fiance analogy was provided by a book I read "Bittersweet" by Shauna Niequist.)

Same Ol' Same Ol'

Here goes the same ol' treatment.... The last IUI follistim treatment didn't work. Yes, I was deeply disappointed to the point of doing NOTHING for a day except staring at the TV screen. I was actually concerned about any possible cervical changes I might have had after the transabdominal cerclage. The last IUI just didn't feel right. We can choose to have two more IUIs with increased follistim level. After that, it's for us to decide whether IVF will be an option.

My mother in law keeps saying she wishes for me to have twins. I think it's because she sees it as a "double blessing." I keep reminding her how risky it could be for me to have multiples due to my medical history. There is a language barrier since I cannot explain thoroughly in her language so it gets frustrating. She doesn't understand how my world has been turned upside down by my losses. Gone are the innocent days of announcing my pregnancy early with pure joy so early in the trimester.  How I wish I can blissfully fantasize having multiples or just even a healthy baby! It will take some extra work to stay safe during pregnancy but I am ready whenever it happens again.

To Joey on July 4th

Mommy and Daddy miss you!

Mommy thought of you as I made rocket popsicles.

Fireworks! 

Red, white, and blue for my baby.

Unfinished Business

Nothing new was going on in Joey's room. After she died we called it the "guest room" to avoid the pain of our loss. Now in my mind it's still Joey's room and our next baby's room. We didn't even start cleaning out the room while I was pregnant with her. All the pregnancy books and magazines my friends cleaned up for me during my stay at the hospital still remain in the closet. The room was just there. The walls were neutral in color. A part of me wanted to go all out and decorate the nursery after a year of grieving. The room looked depressing. Then another part of me thought it would be painful to wait for a baby while the nursery was all decked out. My husband at least painted this empty room couple days ago. I still have time before taking a preg test but regardless, it feels good to complete something left undone. Painting this room was something we COULD do while everything else was left untouched frozen in time - my new maternity clothes that I bought with Juno while on sale, books from healthy pregnancy eating to all the how to's, Joey's memory book, and I still find random pregnancy cravings with Joey still in the pantry. I found a 2 year old package of lemon drops - my first trimester I had the weirdest craving for lemon drops while waiting in line at  a post office. I bought it and never opened it.

Joey's dolls we collected over the years.