Letting Go

H.O.P.E.
Once again I was ready to TTC after recovering from the TAC surgery. It was scary to try again with the added risk of a C-section due to the TAC procedure.

Thankfulness
A dear BLM from my support group offered her follistim cartridge for free. She was pregnant and didn't need it anymore. It was encouraging.

    C-O-N-T-R-O-L
    I wanted this IUI cycle to be PERFECT.  Even though we can do the drills with our eyes closed by now I was still struggling for control. I panicked for a moment when we realized the follistim pen was NOT in the fridge like we thought it was supposed to be!!! My panic was relieved when we discovered that refrigeration was not necessary once the cartridge was pierced when my hubby googled it.
C-O-N-T-R-O-L  --- I wanted to tell God that this HAD to be it. Haven't we waited long enough? Haven't we suffered enough?

             Dis a point ment
            After thinking everything was going smoothly, there was a long eerie pause coming from  my good ol' sono tech. He is not the type of guy that talks much but seeing him for 2 years off and on, I have picked up on his gestures. When I hear him clicking on that sonogram machine and scanning repeatedly, I know SOMETHING is wrong. The longer he takes on that ultrasound, the more anxious I become. After he released a frustrated sigh, he told me my body had already ovulated. There was not going to be an IUI this cycle.

                           Frustration
                           I was ready for another IUI cycle today. The sonogram showed 3 cysts on my left ovary. One is acceptable for a treatment but more than one required a break. The medications stimulate more follicles and when those eggs are not released they expand into liquid filled cysts. I was told to wait it out since they typically go away after one cycle of break. I don't know if I am more frustrated or relieved. Relieved that I don't have to spend money. Relieved to take a break from those darn hormones which exhaust me physically and swallow me into a barrage of emotions. We will try naturally this cycle. I will let go of this self-defeating battle between me and mother nature. Let go, destress, focus, keep going, Patty.

As Mother's Day approaches...

My sadness lingers as Mother's Day approaches; perhaps my pattern is grieving the days PRIOR to the dreadful holidays. By the time the holidays come around, I try to ignore the significance of that day. This poem was published in my support group's newsletter... Just wanted to share.

"A Mother's Day Ode"
I am your mother, but you, my child, I cannot hold.
It'll get easier with time, or so I'm told.
People may forget that I am your mother.
I'm part of a secret club we only share with one another.
But that doesn't diminish my love for you.
I think of you the whole day through.
I wonder what you're doing, my Precious Little One.
We are connected by an Infinite bond which cannot come undone.
I will not let Death tear us apart.
I promise to always keep you alive in my heart. 
~ by Susan Mosquera

M.E.N.D. stands for Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death and this faith-based organization was started by a mother who lost her son to stillbirth. They have been a lifesaver for me - every time I felt like I was going crazy with grief I learned my emotions were the norm among my support group mothers. Their newsletters are filled with articles written by BLMs in different stages of grief, some whose grief is fresh and some moms who continue to keep their babies' legacy alive. My favorite theme is the Sept/Oct 2009 issue regarding our changing identities. Here is the link for more articles.

What are you doing for Mother's Day?

There are always posts I want to write but I find myself staying occupied with other things somehow. I ask myself am I sounding redundant? Didn't I go through these feelings all last year? However, things are surely different this time around. I know my right to grieve this year unlike last year I tried to mask my sadness with my smile.

I don't have any relatives to validate me as a mom on Mother's Day. I received one card from a friend who didn't lose a child but wanted to express compassion. It was sweet. I find myself at peace and in deep comfort knowing there are other moms from my local support group as well as blogging BLM's around the world feeling what I feel. My husband and I didn't do the usual dinner for his mom last year. I don't think she knew that NEED and LONGING I had for people I love to acknowledge the grief I dealt with. So another year of Mother's Day is coming around here in the U.S. I don't expect much from my family again but I told my husband with humor how I wanted to be acknowledged at least by him on Mommy's Day - "I am Joey's mom so buy me a gift!" I will celebrate my precious daughter and the special relationship I have with her that will be ongoing.

Frankly, I wanted to avoid being around family but we had no choice with the timing of it. My mom in law is going through so much herself taking care of her mother. We hope we can encourage her Sunday with BBQ ribs for lunch. I don't know what I will feel that morning. Sad, happy, lonely? Church is out of the picture... not because I think I will lose it if I see babies (I think I am pass that but who knows)... I think it's just my act of mourning for my daughter's absence.

If you are a BLM, I am curious to see what you are doing this year for Mother's Day. Please feel free to comment.

Orkut Myspace Mothers Day Comments & Graphics