A Reflection on a Movie

 I made it through my second Christmas without Joey by keeping to ourselves. John's parents were away on their fishing vacation and his brother was out of town with his wife as newlyweds. We went to see Joey and I gave her a Tinkerbell toy... don't know why but it reminded me of my girl. It was my birthday also but I just wanted to make it another day as a way of coping. We went to the movies last night and watched "The King's Speech" - with an exception to not getting some jokes, I loved the movie. Before the movie started, the "Rabbit Hole" preview was shown. My dear friend had mentioned this movie before because it was about a couple who had lost their 4 yr old son... starring Nicole Kidman. I haven't seen the movie but my friend shared a portion of the script with me.... I think many babyloss moms can relate. Here is the link for the preview on Youtube. Nicole Kidman plays Becca in the movie:

BECCA
Does it ever go away?

NAT
What.

BECCA
This feeling.

They lock eyes. Nat can see she actually wants an answer.
Maybe for the first time ever.

NAT
No. I don't think it does. Not for me it hasn't. And that's goin' on eleven years. (beat) It changes though.

BECCA
How?

NAT
I don't know. The weight of it, I guess. At some point it becomes
bearable. It turns into something you can crawl out from under, and
carry around - like a brick in your pocket. And you forget it every
once in a while, but then you reach in for whatever reason and there it is: "Oh right. That." Which can be awful. But not all the time. Sometimes it's kinda... Not that you like it exactly, but it's what
you have instead of your son, so you don't wanna let go of it either. So you carry it around. And it doesn't go away, which is...

BECCA
What.

NAT
Fine...actually.

In my support group, many of us moms have expressed fear of feeling happy again and trying to move forward. My leader mentioned how common it is for us to hold back on happiness in front of others because we don't want them to think that we're getting over our babies. We never will. This part of the movie script made me think of how I looked happy in front of others because I set aside my grief for a little while. Then at the same time I didn't want them to think that I was completely okay - I just felt like my coworkers and friends assumed I was moving on... Maybe I want to always feel some part of this grief because it keeps Joey alive even as I heal over time. It is a "brick in my pocket." 

Surviving the Holidays

Oh my! I can't believe it's December again. I want to write about so many things on my mind but then I don't have the strength to blog. I've been coping by baking away, cooking, and doing dishes. I never had the time to bake when I worked but with all the time in my hands I had to take a break from GRIEF if possible by baking. 


I didn't have to do the D&C after all... Dec 6th sonogram showed an empty uterus and I was so relieved. Right after the hospital visit I went shopping for the Faces of Loss ornament exchange with another mom named Brittaney. Then I was attacked with overwhelming emotions while shopping and seeing these pregnant ladies everywhere I went. Sometimes just out of humor I picture myself in Jim Carey's character from the movie "The Truman Show." If you've seen it, everyone is an actor in this man's life and every event is planned intentionally to see Truman's reaction! Sometimes life feels that way for someone like me that has been enduring infertility and two losses. As much as I wanted to "minimize" this loss, I just couldn't avoid what I really felt about this baby even if to others it was just a blighted ovum. My husband and I wanted this baby then this little one was gone too soon...then I had to get rid of the empty sac that metaphorically felt like an empty promise...then everything went my way medically...what a blessing it was...I should've been grateful to God but I still felt these emotions of loss during my shopping trip.


Dec 7th was the candlelight service. My husband and I cried not only for ourselves but for many others who lost multiple times or who felt fresh pain from their recent losses. It was good to say Josephine's name and call out Baby Lee as another loss instead of being in denial. That evening another mom, whom I met only a couple of times from our support group, gave me a sweet card for my miscarriage - it was a small gesture but it sure did make me cry from feeling vulnerable.
Even couple days ago, hubby and I went out to eat and I saw a waiter's name "Joey" on his shirt as he walked by. I was getting a lump stuck in my throat. I really wanted to run out and hug him and tell him that he had a special name just like my daughter in heaven. Now that would've been a Youtube moment if I had really done that, right?!! What would this kid have done to a crazy mom like me? He was a nice kid who came to us and gave us an inside tip on how to save money next time. I liked him even more! It is strange how seeing my daughter's name anywhere draws me closer to her. Love my Joey!

We don't have the tree up this year. The stockings give me some comfort knowing that I do have a family even though I miss Joey unbearably at times.

                      Tiny stocking above Joey's represents my little miscarried one.

Thanks to Brittaney's ornament exchange I have another ornament for Joey! Yes, she's with Jesus.

It's Over...Almost!

I finally went to an OB to prescribe me some meds to dispel my sac. Dr M delivered Joey just last year and she remembered me. I had a lump in my throat as I recalled those memories of being at the hospital. I also had fond memories of Dr M taking care of Joey.
She was compassionate towards me knowing how much we wanted a baby... She gave me inducing pills to use at home and needless to say, I was so nervous. I have friends who shared me their stories and it's just not a pleasant experience. I was fearful of the risk of hemorrhaging and all the worst case scenarios. My husband had to go to work the next day but before I fell asleep I asked him if he remembered my blood type. Of course, being an obnoxious guy he is, he acted like he forgot! It was hard to put myself through the unknown without having a backup plan. I had excruciating contractions or cramping for 2 hours in the middle of the night. I kept going to the bathroom without saying much about that. I fell asleep early morning and woke up feeling better. I just hope this is it and hopefully the sonogram on Monday will show an empty uterus. I am hoping that I won't have to go through the D&C after all this.