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Sunday, July 4, 2010

4th of July

I can't believe it's already 4th of July. Every holiday reminds me of Joey's absence. Last year I remember being pregnant with Joey and getting serious heartburns from eating yummy pizza slices! I can't believe that life is moving forward... I guess this is good but I don't want to forget my daughter. I am sure that Joey is delighted to be in heaven. I try not to be too sad as I picture her smile and laughter.
Yesterday we went to the rodeo with my brother in law and his newly engaged fiance. I noticed children and babies all around me. That's nothing new, of course. I missed Joey yesterday wondering what she would look like at almost 5 months of age. I missed her on Father's Day too when we as a family was supposed to be excited about my brother in law's upcoming wedding. I wanted to yell out to my in laws and everyone around me "Am I the ONLY one missing my daughter?!!!"
I always tell John about my sadness later on. Sometimes he catches that sadness by my dazed look. He knows as a dad too but I guess that being a woman brings the intensity of my emotions.
We're trying to conceive again. It's a feeling of renewed hope that I have learned in my relationship with God. In contrast to what others may think, trying again the second or third time does not take away all the anxieties and fear of losing another one. There is no telling what your body does.
I feel at peace to have Joey's marker placed at a babyland cemetery. Even though Joey's ashes are not in this cemetery, I liked the fact that I knew the babies of some new friends I've made. You can put toys there for your child unlike other cemeteries. This marker acknowledges her and I hope that many strangers will read her beautiful name for years to come.

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