To Hope Again

I have more days in my grief where I am just occupied with daily routines. It has helped to tutor some kids in the evenings and leave the house. I try to sub at my former school district once in a while even though financially I should be subbing more often. There were hobbies that I wanted to pick up on such as sewing so that I may be ready to sew for my children one day. However, sewing itself has never been easy when you're wondering what or whom to sew for while you don't have kids of your own.

It takes alot these days even after the TAC to get myself encouraged and hopeful for our future. My husband is a teacher and all of a sudden this week we weren't too sure about his job stability. My state has made some crappy choices to save money in this dwindling economy - cutting budget in public schools. We have enough to worry about and I just want to focus on one thing which is the very reason I quit my job - to have a healthy pregnancy and to bring our baby home. I need to consult with my RE and see when my treatments will start again. I am actually so scared to try again that I don't mind this waiting period. I have been resting at home anyways - it's been 3 weeks and I am just starting to feel a little better although not to the point where I can work out. I probably am the weakest link compared to other moms who are tougher than a short Asian lady! With medical bills heaping up, I can only be thankful that my husband and I are still determined to make sacrifices for our future children....

I admit how overwhelming it can be to think about every little step we have taken to find out why I couldn't conceive and then to pick ourselves up again after our losses. I have cried even after returning from the surgery. While in New Jersey, we met this wonderful couple from Canada who also had the same surgery the same day. I was disappointed that I missed two other couples who were TAC'd but we bumped into the Canadian couple while picking up our prescriptions. I was encouraged to see this couple's endurance in their complex and heartbreaking journey. I hope our stories will end with redemption as our loving Father works in ways we don't see... I HOPE this is the year. Here is a link to another blogger, mom of twin boys in heaven, who lives in my area and who shares the same OB!! She will have her CSection soon!

My last day with Dr Davis!! I think most ladies ask him for a picture!

My dearest Hubby who had to take care of me at the hospital!!

pPROM and Incompetent Cervix

So much has happened already this new year of 2011. After over a year of traumatically losing my daughter to pPROM, I have discovered that my cervix has been incompetent. PPROM is complex and it happens for numerous reasons; every mom experiences the rupture of membrane under her own unique circumstances. I had the IC on the back of my mind just because my RE examined how odd looking my cervix was. Then my new OB's nurse practitioner also identified the same observation in January. I was frustrated to not fully understand why my cervix was in a bad shape. She looked through my records and connected my condition to the hysteroscopy when the cervical fibroid was removed back in '08. I remembered that OB suspected a cervical polyp but it turned out to be a fibroid. I think he briefly explained that a deeper incision had occurred due to the fibroid but of course, what did I know back in 2008 about my body?! I only wanted to conceive so desperately and none of this made sense to me at that time. After I changed OBs for infertility issues, I only recalled the term "polyp" and kept referring to that procedure as a polyp removal....
Mid January I had a phone consultation with Dr Haney in Chicago who specializes in TAC. There were two moms that I know personally who had TAC with him. He had no doubt that I had pPROM'd from IC. I discussed TAC (transabdominal cerclage) with my new OB and she completely supported this decision since she already had one of Dr Haney's TAC patient. She also measured my cervix as short but wasn't sure if her measurements were accurate. My OB described how a portion of my cervix was "gone" or effaced. I couldn't go with Dr Haney's date in April - it didn't seem worth the wait when there was another skilled doctor in New Jersey. So here I am typing this blog the day before my TAC surgery with Dr Davis in New Jersey. He also examined my cervix and it was even shorter than what my OB described. Not only that, my cervix was tender and weak which shouldn't be for someone who's NOT pregnant. If my cervix was this weak, then there was no barrier such as a protective mucous plug that could have protected the pregnancy from bacteria. I had placenta previa - maybe the placenta was infected first causing the rupture. Dr Davis primarily does post-pregnancy TACs but he emphasized the advantage of pre-pregnancy TAC for me under my circumstances. I am relieved the timing of this is all working out.
It feels like redemption to finally know what went wrong after losing Joey but I have to admit it hurts...I wish this was not the way my life went. I wish I was able to change every event to save her. I am trying to remain hopeful for another child while I miss Joey so much. Tomorrow I will be TAC'd.