Waiting Sucks...

There is just no way to sugar coat what I am going through. It just sucks to wait and wait and wait. John and I waited to get pregnant when doctors kept saying that this and this should work...It was 2 years of TTC and trying out different doctors before I found out that I had endometriosis...It took 5 months to completely heal from severe postpartum back pain...It took 2 IUI cycles to discover that I had a uterine polyp hindering my pregnancy...Now I'm waiting to naturally miscarry. I guess out of all this negativity of waiting I am hoping that my body's ability to eliminate the sac will be a blessing. I would like to avoid the alternate route if at all possible.

I want to be done with this pregnancy because I'm technically not pregnant. The tiny life died early on as the sac progressed to grow. I found out online that this was called blighted ovum. My doctor didn't explain much since we were choking up in tears. Our wedding anniversary is coming up on the week of Thanksgiving. I want to be finished with this soon... I just feel sad about all this. There are days when I cannot get myself to do dishes or at least try to be productive; I cannot even leave the house. I am "angry" at my body so to speak. Ever since I found out about the miscarriage, I just started eating poorly and stopped taking prenatals religiously. What's the use? I feel betrayed by my own body. Just angry. I hope this funk won't last too long.

Another Loss

My husband and I were once again hopeful when my pregnancy test came out positive. First test: positive; second: negative; third: positive. It was October 10th, Sunday, one day after Joey's birthday. I went for a blood test on Monday and the hCG was a little lower than my doctor's standard. I was anxious but I had many friends reassuring me. The second blood test was on Wednesday and they called me the next day to tell me that it had increased sufficiently. I was relieved...
I told myself that I would be thankful for each day that this baby lived. That mindset was the only way to get through each day of anxiety. I just didn't know what my body would do even though my first trimester with Joey was not too hard. I had mild cramping with fluttering sensations, no bleeding and found online that this was the uterus stretching. Each week was a victory.
Hubby and I were looking forward to our first sonogram - I wanted to be a little relieved by seeing for myself that the baby was okay. This past Monday was the seventh week of pregnancy. Instead of "Let me show you your little baby" we heard the sono tech say "Looks like I am not seeing anything inside your sac..." SO four days have passed by and I am waiting for my body to stop thinking that it's pregnant. I still fantasize that all of this was a mistake but I am slowly seeing my stomach shrink. I am still in shock and feeling disappointment. This pain is not as intense as losing Joey. However, my husband and I endured another shattered dream. I surrender all this to God knowing that He will keep writing our story and we will pass His story of this long journey to our children. Until then, I admit that I am lost, confused, and giving myself permission to grieve... again.

Precious Natalie

I know that one PROM mom's blog, LouMary, mentioned this already but I am so heartbroken for Natalie's family. Natalie passed away after months of NICU October 16th, Saturday. I have been reading Natalie's mom blogging her pPROM journey from the time of rupture to hospitalization. She and her baby became dear to me as I read her entries 4 months after Joey passed away. Natalie was delivered at 33wks and stayed on NICU. They had so much hope. I just received the mom's email this morning of the news and all of us from the PROM email list were stunned. She has a donation website on her blog for Natalie's NICU hospital and she also requested a postcard to be sent to her in memory of Natalie - the address is on her blog, Babygirltee. May lots of love be sent their way.

Happy First Birthday, Joey!

Joey turned one today in heaven. I didn't feel as heavy burdened today. To me, this whole month of October represents her - it's an infant loss month, we just had a Walk to Remember last Saturday, and then her birthday today. I think it helped to cry whenever I felt like it and to also allow myself to be in a lighter mood when I felt like it. I don't have to please anyone when I grieve by telling myself that I have to act in a certain way. This whole week though, I was definitely distracted by my worst allergy symptoms of bodyache and congestion. I know that in spite of my sickness, my mind would wander off to where I was this time last year. I've never gone back to read my first few entries in this blog especially to read Joey's story. I still have my old pregnancy planner on my shelf even though I can't get myself to look at it. I couldn't sleep last night as I calculated the hours and recollected the time we left for the ER...the time when the ER doctor showed us the lifeless sonogram of Joey which would've been about 12:30A.M.... I didn't cry but I felt this sadness last night. I am tired for now since we had a busy day. We were incredibly BLESSED with so many friends and surprisingly relatives who came to visit our little Joey. John and I were so happy for our daughter. I will have to post some pictures later.

Balloons and letters to Joey, Walk to Remember

Waiting with Hope

It's August. A student that I taught overseas approaches John and me at a restaurant. He's in college and already a newlywed. He tells us his wife is pregnant... We don't know how to respond to that or maybe we don't want to react to it. I ignore the painful jab of unfairness and ask how he was doing juggling with marriage and odd jobs.


I feel like I am falling again... hitting rock bottom.


Couple days later someone mentions that a husband's old friend is going to have a third child. I remember somehow treading upon that announcement on facebook months ago. I try not to compare my life with others but sometimes it just speaks out to me loud and clear that every other couple has moved on to their next chapter of life - parenthood.


I start to roll down the hill of grief...anger...jealousy...until I can't suppress the pain any longer. This is the time when I wail on my bed before I go to sleep. John hears me crying and holds me. "Life's not fair, God!" "Why does everyone else get to have children but we lose one after years of trying?"

This is just one description of numerous occasions when pain just escalated. After a summer of unsuccessful treatments and another laparoscopy/hysteroscopy, discouragement and hopelessness clouded my mind. I joined a Bible study with my former infertility support group in Dallas/Ft Worth from last year, Fertility Challenges Support. I adore the group leader for pouring God's love upon couples like us. The questions that resonate with me are "Who is God to you?" and "How will you raise your children when He answers your prayer?"

I find HOPE in the fact that God doesn't change. John and I have blamed Him for losing Joey; I felt like I was being punished. The enemy really knew the most tender part of my soul and he knew how to blind me from God's love. I want to know all the answers now but I find hope in trusting His goodness. I don't know if my next treatment will work and I may find myself in tears again. Every time I hit rock bottom, God gently lifts me with hope again. I also feel hopeful as I celebrate with one friend (God Keeps His Promises blog) who has adopted a beautiful son and another who is pregnant after losing her son.

14 more days 'til Joey's first birthday.

My Favorite Things

There are couple things that are so special to me...

1) Last year, a sweet Kinder student of mine drew this picture of me and Joey. Five year olds are so literal and she understood that there was a tiny life growing inside of me. She moved overseas soon after I lost Joey... She has no idea how much this drawing will mean to me for years and years to come. This is my priceless Picasso that no one can replace!

2) James Avery charm. I believe this design is called Mommy's heart. A group of friends gave me this after the loss to validate me as a mom. I needed the validation that I was a mother even though no one saw my baby and even though Joey went straight to heaven.

3) Willow Tree Angel. A friend gave this to me since she bought one for herself as a memorial for her early miscarriage. This angel embracing the child reminds me that Joey is safe right now because of what Jesus has done for her.

Update on the Stillbirth Certificate

My husband sent one last email to the hospital chaplain end of July. I was just emotionally tired of making attempts to communicate. I think the chaplain tried one last time and she talked to the attorney AGAIN. I am still unsure of what's been going on but it sounds like the state law was not so easy to interpret. Since there was nothing in the law stopping them from registering Joey's death, they went ahead and did all the required paperwork... Last Monday we received her death certificate. Now we're waiting on Joey's stillbirth certificate. We thank God for this piece of paper that we are waiting for. I can't take it with me to heaven. As long as I am alive on earth, I want to know that she was acknowledged as a baby.