We Miss Joey!

It's 9:41 PM right now and my son fell asleep earlier. He is getting better with sleeping on his own in the crib at four months now. What a big boy! He is a handful though - probably because he is a BOY! I am utterly exhausted as a stay home mom but I can't take for granted watching him grow so quickly before my eyes. I wish I had the energy to log all his firsts and have the exact dates to them but I realized how motherhood fatigue can drain me. I am willing to let go of perfection and admit that I am not good at scrapbooking and preserving all the memories as I thought I would.... We don't make it to places on time.... My house is never clean....

This month my heart is wrenching with moments of grief again. I have cried already before as I talk to Ayden about Joey. My husband imagined Joey in heaven with two other friends' babies. He said he was tearing up at work. As I watch my son's developmental stages, I fantasize what Joey would've looked like at his age. I think about what she would've said about her squealing and active little brother. This month is hard for me as October approaches soon. John has to work on her birthday so we don't know how we will be celebrating Joey's third birthday. My baby would've been three if she was born alive. I am a mother to a toddler in heaven. I miss her!!!! I want to brush her hair and pin them with cute bows. I want to sing girly songs with her and watch her play with her dolls. My brother in law will be having a girl next month. It's hard enough to not be in good terms with them right now and then they are having a girl. I just want to be genuinely happy for them if I visit them at the hospital. I don't want to let grief overtake me while I am at the hospital.

Joey, you are growing up so fast while Daddy and Mommy miss out on it. We are so happy to have your brother with us and one day he'll be old enough to know you. We miss you so much! We love you!

Thank you to Bloggers

I know I wasn't a consistent blogger since blogging has not been my forte for the past 3 years. However, I don't ever regret sharing my grief online and meeting fellow Babyloss Mamas in the virtual world. I remember how dark this part of my life was yet there were glimpses of happiness I found through the virtual friendships. I never thought I would find all the support online from ladies I've never met. Through the bloggers I learned more about pPROM, incompetent cervix, transabdominal cerclage, and grief. I found my loneliness slowly diminished the more I read the words of other heartbroken moms. THANK YOU for the HAPPY comments about Ayden! So I thank these bloggers especially for all the wonderful comments they have left in the past - Carrie from Our Journey, Crystal Theresa from These Fragments, I love, and Dana from Butterflies and Rainbows. My heart goes out to those who have dealt with pPROM and incompetent cervix - I am always telling myself "Oh here is another lady with pPROM or IC or TAC!" every time I discover another blogger. I feel like a minority in my own world but the more I read I know that I am not alone!

I see Ayden and wonder how much Joey would've looked liked her younger brother. Every little mommy moments I have with him, I think about what it would've been like with Joey.... from diaper changes, to breastfeeding, and his cries. John just adores our little son and thinks he is so good looking! A little biased, I know, as any parent would be! Haha! So we have discussed how gorgeous Joey would've been as a girl.

It has been a GOOD year for many moms and rainbow babies. I am just ecstatic to see several healthy rainbow babies born last year from my personal friendships and this year in the blogs!!!! I can't wait to see everyone's baby pictures!

Here is my son again (: I don't know how many more posts I can make in the future. I may close the blog soon or find a way to print the blog as a scrapbook if that is possible (Please let me know if you have any ideas!)

Ayden with Joey for the first time and not even aware of it but one day he will know.

I'm learning to smile now!

Ayden is here!

Joey's little brother entered this world on April 6, 2012, 10:28AM. 8lbs and 2 oz. He is a beauty, a miracle, and a gift from God. What a "Good Friday" it was! I remembered Joey in heaven because of what Jesus Christ has done for us. What a gift Christ gave John and me that Friday. Right now John and I are sleep deprived and enjoying every minute of Ayden.

I am in recovery from the Csection but here are the pics for now. Notice his full black hair!

7 More Days

Seven more days til my CSection! I cannot believe how far Ayden has made it! My OB and sonogram tech have both confirmed over and over how much I needed the TAC. I was 4 and a half centimeters dilated and the TAC is keeping my boy in.
Swollen feet and now hemorrhoids that just started yesterday. Oh boy! The last two weeks have been the hardest. I wrote on a private Facebook wall for pPROM ladies how this time I was READY for my water to break. After praying and praying for my water not to break, I am ready to deliver a little early. If mother nature doesn't let me then what can I do but to stay thankful for Ayden to be alive.

I don't think people will ever know the missing picture I carry in my grief as Ayden's birth draws near. Call me hypersensitive but all these statements "Enjoy your kids because it goes by so fast" or "Wait til the toddler years..." are somewhat bothersome. Why? Because if there is anybody who doesn't need those reminders are parents who have lost babies and experienced countless years of infertility. I have this strong sense of not taking any parenting moment for granted knowing how short my daughter's life was. My parenting life will be normal with stress and feelings of helplessness one of these days, I'm sure. I just don't want any advice from others who had their successful pregnancies while I was silently suffering infertility and losses. They all have two or three children by now. If life went my way John and I could've had Joey when we started TTC six years ago. We could've had two or three living children by now. Sure, people warn me about sleep deprivation with a newborn but what could be harder than crying yourself to sleep from seeing a negative pregnancy test for the 20th time?! Yes, our time with our little ones are precious especially when you had to let go of your baby's life and learn to live without him or her. How could I take my living children for granted?

37 wks and 1 day

Ayden is still baking in the oven. I am just thankful, thankful, thankful! The discomforts right now from swollen feet to backaches are nothing compared to a living child inside of me. I will always think of Joey and Baby Juno as I wonder what they would've been like in third trimester. I feel Ayden filling up in my uterus and I keep praying for his protection. I worry about his cord and placenta....I want everything to stay in tact and everything to keep him safe. I worried enough about the cord wrapping around him to ask my sonogram tech of her experience seeing this happen. She told me it was very rare - she has probably seen it happen one time within 7 years. That's probably not counting the time of delivery since she's not there to see the stats. But I am doing my best to PRAY and think HAPPY thoughts!

My husband gave me weekly P17 shots for about four months now. It was painful for him to watch the needle go in me. I thought Follistim cartridges were good sized needles without any knowledge of what the "intramuscular" needles looked liked. Along with the transabdominal cerclage, this progesterone shot could have saved Ayden's life. I had to alternate between my butt cheeks and seriously had to count or say the alphabet in my head to endure the brief pain. But all the welts and bruises on my butt was worth keeping Ayden in the womb.

Yesterday, my OB checked my cervix and sure enough, I was dilated or effaced enough for her to spread out three fingers! The cerclage is staying strong! Truly amazing.... I don't know where I would be without this technology. We will see if I can make it to April 6th, 39 wks C-Section. 14 more days to go.

Good Ol' P-17 shot!

34 weeks!

February went by with a blur. I just wanted each day, each week to fly so that I can only get closer to Ayden's due date - April 6th. My cervix started "funneling" in February and I saw the abdominal cerclage holding the rest of my cervix together. It was scary to see it even though that was the whole point of me getting the TAC (transabdominal cerclage) all the way in New Jersey. It was scary to even think about what could've been without the cerclage!
Sometimes I think about Joey as I see Ayden growing inside of me. I grieve over the memories I couldn't have with her. What would Joey have been like around this time? I expected Ayden to be more active as a boy but he is pretty calm throughout the day. I count his kicks in the morning after breakfast and I don't feel him much during the day. I wonder if Joey would've been calmer or more outgoing like her daddy. I let myself cry on her due date, February 12th and 14th. We had two different due dates - one given by the RE and one by my OB. Who knew they would be two dates for John and I to mourn for years to come....

This past Thursday was 34 weeks....Then today was our maternity tour and a baby shower. My husband and I both had the weirdest feeling joining "new parents" in the tour. I dreaded stepping into the elevator and going up the L&D ward. I didn't want to walk into the room where I delivered Joey. I didn't want to cry. By the time we walked through the ward, I realized the new changes they made and what used to be a curtain where the nurse first wheelchaired me into that night was no longer there. They obviously created a wall around there...I didn't even remember what end of the hallway I was in to deliver Joey but John did. They used the very last room as the "fetal demise" room and probably did for every patient in a similar situation. Luckily, we went in and out of a different room and moved out of there.

Baby showers were always a dread for me back in the days. I think around my 2nd year of infertility I was so sick of going to my coworkers' baby showers at work. Then after Joey I had better reasons not to go. It was hard to decide to do one for Ayden every time I thought about Joey's absence. Yet I thank God for hubby's coworkers, our friends, our babyloss moms, and church friends who came to bless our Rainbow Baby. I felt so much peace with the reality of bringing Ayden HOME. I finally had the courage to share on Facebook about Ayden. I pray this is it. I hope we are almost to the finish line with a successful pregnancy.

The Four of Us - Joey's footprints, Ayden, Mommy and Daddy!

Thanks to Kimberly, Mommy to Eden in heaven, for doing a marvelous job with the pictures!

Our First Baby Shower - I can't believe we had one! Eight years of marriage
and we are so close to bringing our baby home....

Still Alive!

I don't know if this is an appropriate way of phrasing my baby's life. But he is STILL alive and making it each day! After passing 24 weeks this past Christmas, I felt way better...although I don't think the fear of death will ever vanish from my mind. I am so relieved to make it to 30 wks and 2 days now, yet I can't seem to erase the worst case scenarios out of my mind. I don't even want to describe my horrific thoughts just to avoid jinxing myself.
I count the kicks even though my son doesn't always have a nice routine. My hubby and I check his heartbeat with a doppler we borrowed from a dear BLM friend. I cannot imagine what this pregnancy would've been like without hearing his heartbeat through those days of anxieties.
I long for the day to bring him home alive and healthy... His name is Ayden - the boy's name we picked out with my daughter's name, Josephine, back in 2009. It might be a little shallow to get his name from a TV show like "Jon and Kate Plus 8."We fell in love with "Aiden" without realizing how popular this name was. We considered "Jayden," "Caiden," or other rhyming names yet we couldn't get ourselves to change our minds. One day our Ayden will learn about his sister in heaven....I can't wait to teach him how to say Joey's name. Miss my girl who didn't make it this far....

Is this your first child?

I'm not so sure how people have been asking this question. Sometimes they seem to word it "Is this your first pregnancy?" or as "Is this your first child?" I always appear to hesitate and I had to say "YES" to most strangers.... I hate saying it but I guess I don't trust everyone with sharing my special babies. Before I was pregnant again, I was bombarded with "Do you have any children?" It hurts to see a few of John's coworkers with newborn daughters. Last week when we met up with them and one brought her newborn daughter, I couldn't make eye contact with the mother. I felt my bitterness resurface and held back my tears thinking "Where is my daughter?" The other mother conceives easily, has an EASY pregnancy, and then pops out a healthy baby girl. My bitterness and grief are still buried in my heart even with this miracle baby inside of me. I miss my Josephine. My Joey. My first child. I have a daughter too except no one sees her. She is in heaven and it feels so far away even though we will be reunited one day.
I'm not saying I am taking my third baby for granted. My living son growing inside of me cannot replace the first child we had. I'm thoroughly ecstatic to still be pregnant yet I can't seem to face the holidays forgetting my Joey is missing....
So couple days ago I was asked again by a dental assistant if this was my first child. I felt this urge to say "No, I have one in heaven" and I felt like it was an out of body experience. I couldn't believe I just said those words. I said it and it felt good to acknowledge Joey. She asked me if it was a boy or a girl that I lost.... I shared that it was a girl. I think sometimes Baby Juno will be another selective time for me to share with others just because it will lead to more questions and me expressing not knowing the gender due to early miscarriage. For me, it's easier to share about  Joey because I know her gender... somehow Juno seems harder to share. I think all the Babyloss Moms will have their preferences and way of sharing....After reading many articles and Facebook comments of some BLMs, I recognize the uniqueness of our boundaries and the need to respect each others' differences when it comes to sharing about our babies.

A New Season: 21 weeks and 5 days

My new season of pregnancy started on August 3rd when my home preg test came out BFP. It was another scary and exhilarating moment. Juno's scenario was mostly on my mind even though the Hcg level was higher with this pregnancy than Juno's.
The first trimester was a long waiting period for me... I know I don't need to explain the feelings of anxiety to the babyloss mamas out there. Some of us had more than one losses and there seems nothing in this world to give us enough reassurance or a guarantee our next baby will be okay. Around the 9th week, I saw blood on my underwear about 2 quarter size. My legs were shaking at the restroom and all I could think about was saying goodbye to this baby as I did with Joey and Juno. I was incoherently speaking to the nurse on the phone about the bleeding. It was after a bowel movement and she persuaded me to see the bleeding as a mild incident from possibly straining too hard. I was so panicked and started crying with my husband after hanging up with the nurse.
Week 12 or 13 came around when the Walk to Remember was starting in October -  week before Joey's 2nd birthday. Until that time, I kept wondering if there will be a third ornament to hang on the tree for a third loss... I remember habitually checking my underwear for blood or to see if my water broke all throughout the first trimester.
We took weekly pictures from the beginning of the pregnancy. I regretted not taking any pictures of Joey growing and I missed out on Juno also. I wanted to have as many memories of this baby as I could and enjoy those memories.
I am under close supervision of my cervix even after the TAC procedure. I have a sonogram every two weeks to check the baby and my cervical length. My husband gives me P17 shots every week. Every sonogram is a treat for John and me since we love seeing our baby. I still get the butterflies before each sonogram just wondering if our baby is still alive! IT is so hard to persevere and to stay POSITIVE! Having a "normal pregnancy" is foreign to me. I am so blessed to have a doctor who stays concerned and have supervised me thoroughly with this one - quite a contrast to my pregnancy with Joey. We found out Joey was having a little brother at about week 16.

Today is a special milestone for John and me. We lost our loving daughter, Josephine, at 21 weeks and 5 days. In this new season, we still have our little boy alive at 21 weeks and 5 days. I hope he continues to live and grow way past 24 weeks. I am not able to blog much with my neck and shoulder pain which came out of nowhere in this pregnancy. However, I will try to write throughout the milestones. Even in my own joy, I know my joy won't be complete without other BLM's holding their rainbow babies - I am still praying and hoping for those who endured another hard year to have their living babies in their arms one day.

Joey's 2nd Birthday

My daughter is two years old in heaven today. We kept the grieving and celebration to ourselves unlike last year. Having friends and family over to the resting place last year gave me so much peace - the peace I didn't get to have without a funeral and holding her to say goodbye. I needed Joey to be validated as our baby and a person who passed away. I felt okay to celebrate between just us two as Mommy and Daddy.
It rained today just like the day she was born. No balloons or flowers today because of rain.

I always seem to ask John the same question "So what happened that day? Do you remember?" It was a nightmarish day yet I still want to hear John's side of the story over and over. While I was being induced with pills, J had to go home in the rain that morning. He was crying all by himself in the car and he doesn't remember how he made it home. He told our dog Joey was gone for good...took a shower....packed my clothes. All of this happened while I was in bed waiting to dilate. Two years ago already.

I felt guilty to not be able to bake her cake this time. I guess every year will be different. J and I will have to come up with different ways to celebrate her birthday each year.

September Memories

As my daughter's 2nd anniversary/birthday draws near, I am reminded of where I was around end of September two years ago. I remember.... in one hour of my 20 week appointment all the "bad" news were waddled up and delivered to us. Total previa - confirmed. We didn't know what that was back then. Then the eerie news that Joey's fluid was low. Was that bad news, urgent news, or something we can manage? The OB at that time merely gave me the number to call the perinatalologist after he did some sort of bacteria check. The first medical term I saw related to pPROM was "oligohydramnios." I didn't become familiar with the more common medical term, pPROM, until I went to my support group weeks after the loss.

So here I am rambling over the past....it's gone....it happened....it's done with. But it breaks my heart that there could've been MORE done for me and my baby. I should've been on bedrest and antibiotics right away even if it was too late. Yeah, I still feel this lingering anger towards the OB. I really don't think he treated me the way he would've his wife or pregnant daughter. I know there are always heartbreaking stories when I read through the PROM websites. Some moms were encouraged to terminate by delivering immediately without given alternate options. Some moms were fortunate to have miracles. I feel a pang of envy and injustice whenever I hear other OB's who went far and beyond to care for the pPROM mothers. By the way, I keep mentioning "pPROM" instead of "PROM" since 2nd trimester rupture is considered Preterm Premature Rupture of Membrane."

I don't remember if I strongly felt this dark cloud of memories last year around this time. I am just glad this month, this week is almost over.

23 month Anniversary

Today is another 9th before Joey's 2 year anniversary/birthday. She is 23 months old today in heaven. I miss her so much more these days. I find myself more emotional as I think of her more often these days. There will be more 2nd babies born this fall and winter to our friends. I have to say I know I haven't fully healed yet when I feel more envy than happiness for others. I try to say that is their life and my journey, whether I like it or not, is my life. Conceiving and having a healthy pregnancy will just be a challenge for me...my broken body....my luck. 


We were going to make Joey a name book this year as I was inspired by another BLM's book. 
I had second thoughts about it.... wondering how many people would actually respond. It was hard enough getting candlelight pictures for Joey's slideshow 2 years ago. I think they don't know how much the little things mean to us because there aren't many tangible things we have of Joey. 


We have a Walk to Remember October 1st. On her birthday, J and I may celebrate her short life among ourselves. 

About juno

This week I thought of Juno randomly while driving. I thought about the regrets I had... such as subbing at a school couple days before the pregnancy test. I thought surely subbing a third grade class would be a breeze but of course, there was one thuggish kid who caught me off guard. I tried not to stress about it. The next day I was completely sick with high fever. I should've at least taken something for it but I didn't. That week was one of the highest pollen days and many people posted on facebook how sick they were. After the 7 week sonogram discovery of the blighted ovum, I asked the RE if having a high fever for two days could've caused it. It was embarrassing because I was trying to talk while sniffing and crying at the same time. All he could say was "Maybe, it could have." There are no definite answers to my last loss. In my mind I just wonder what in the world am I supposed to do. Should I just stay home and live like the "bubble boy" movie - protected inside a plastic sanitized bubble? Did my one decision to go out and work change the outcome of my baby? Or was this truly a defect of the chromosomes that I had no control over?

I wish I was OVERLY cautious about everything. I feel like I worked through a heavy load of guilt over Joey and now it happens again with Juno.

Joey's 2nd anniversary/birthday is coming around soon. I can't believe it.... Hubby and I still talk about her  saying "Joey would've liked this or done this." Even at Costco we pick out toys we like for Joey.

I liked these quotes about miscarriage or stillbirth from Losing Aidan blog.
"...having a miscarriage is like joining a sisterhood you didn’t want to or didn’t know about." - ourhopeplace.com

"Getting pregnant is like being proposed to, and having a miscarriage is like being dumped at the altar." - Darlene Schacht, christianwomenonline.net

(I especially like this one because this is the exact feeling after a loss. Once we get that positive preg test, we feel like it's another promise or hope to have a baby. I see myself waiting at the altar for the promise only to find myself abandoned by a promise. Then when I see pregnant women, I feel shocked and hurt as if I just bumped into an ex-fiance who dumped me - this ex-fiance analogy was provided by a book I read "Bittersweet" by Shauna Niequist.)

Same Ol' Same Ol'

Here goes the same ol' treatment.... The last IUI follistim treatment didn't work. Yes, I was deeply disappointed to the point of doing NOTHING for a day except staring at the TV screen. I was actually concerned about any possible cervical changes I might have had after the transabdominal cerclage. The last IUI just didn't feel right. We can choose to have two more IUIs with increased follistim level. After that, it's for us to decide whether IVF will be an option.

My mother in law keeps saying she wishes for me to have twins. I think it's because she sees it as a "double blessing." I keep reminding her how risky it could be for me to have multiples due to my medical history. There is a language barrier since I cannot explain thoroughly in her language so it gets frustrating. She doesn't understand how my world has been turned upside down by my losses. Gone are the innocent days of announcing my pregnancy early with pure joy so early in the trimester.  How I wish I can blissfully fantasize having multiples or just even a healthy baby! It will take some extra work to stay safe during pregnancy but I am ready whenever it happens again.

To Joey on July 4th

Mommy and Daddy miss you!

Mommy thought of you as I made rocket popsicles.

Fireworks! 

Red, white, and blue for my baby.

Unfinished Business

Nothing new was going on in Joey's room. After she died we called it the "guest room" to avoid the pain of our loss. Now in my mind it's still Joey's room and our next baby's room. We didn't even start cleaning out the room while I was pregnant with her. All the pregnancy books and magazines my friends cleaned up for me during my stay at the hospital still remain in the closet. The room was just there. The walls were neutral in color. A part of me wanted to go all out and decorate the nursery after a year of grieving. The room looked depressing. Then another part of me thought it would be painful to wait for a baby while the nursery was all decked out. My husband at least painted this empty room couple days ago. I still have time before taking a preg test but regardless, it feels good to complete something left undone. Painting this room was something we COULD do while everything else was left untouched frozen in time - my new maternity clothes that I bought with Juno while on sale, books from healthy pregnancy eating to all the how to's, Joey's memory book, and I still find random pregnancy cravings with Joey still in the pantry. I found a 2 year old package of lemon drops - my first trimester I had the weirdest craving for lemon drops while waiting in line at  a post office. I bought it and never opened it.

Joey's dolls we collected over the years.

Being in a Limbo

Living in a "limbo" was commented by blogger Dana in one of my posts. I thought about it and all the delays of volunteering or traveling have been set by this "limbo."I want to find different ways to cope because of my powerlessness to this thing called  infertility or the tragedy of losing a baby (Calvin's mom talks about "powerlessness" in her blog). Some of the things I would like to do as a means of coping are not beneficial for TTC. For example, whether I can realistically make it or not, I would like to participate in a boot camp just to get all my anger and frustration out!!!  Right now it's probably not a good idea as I am still going through treatments. I take it day by day... trying out different recipes for cooking.... enjoying time with my hubby for his summer off... reading...

All my summers were supposed to be enjoyable. However, we were both financially unable to plan a nice getaway and medically feeling protective of possible pregnancies. I like the feeling of hopefulness when I actually go through with IUIs. I DO NOT like the feeling of disappointment when I stumble upon medical obstacles or another negative preg test. I am quite tired of this "limbo." What really goes through my mind in this journey is the PLAN. Not that our plans have ever gone through but I mentally start calculating how many more cycles I want to do the IUIs and if something goes wrong, I wonder what it will take to pursue inter'al adoption. Yes, this is overwhelming every time I do this. I say all this just to express how depleted I feel from not knowing the answers. I pray that this summer will be the last summer of being in this transitional state. At this moment, I don't think I can go through another long summer of uncertainties.

So another July 4th is coming up. The first July 4th was the hardest without Joey. I would like to get out of town even if it's not so far. I would like to celebrate what we still have even while missing Joey and Juno. I still have my little furbaby and my dear husband.... we have each other through the hard times like this.

Baby Juno

Today was the due date for my miscarried baby. June 20th. Today is the day I once again "could've" had a living child if the pregnancy went perfectly. My husband had a feeling the baby could've been a boy but of course, we will never know until we see "him" one day. I wanted a unisex name and thought of "June" from the due date then "Juno" as a nickname.
To medical professionals he was merely a blighted ovum. An embryo that didn't quite make it. A chromosomal mishap. I even tried to make light of this past miscarriage from November but I can't get past the fact how much we wanted the baby. The baby stopped growing and we didn't get to see the baby. I only remember the empty sac from the sonogram. How could a baby just not be there? I know some ladies keep every pregnancy tests but I never bothered to even though getting a BFP is truly rare and precious to me. The picture of Juno's positive BFP is all I have left of him. He really did exist. Does anyone care? I may not cry as much as I do for Joey but Baby Juno was loved and dearly wanted by us. I hope that's all what counts for a miscarried baby to be as valid as any other baby.

In a perfect world I would be holding my two children.

Lost you before I found you

Gone before you came

But I love you just the same

Missed you before I met you

On earth we never can

But in heaven we’ll meet again

Chorus from the song "Still" by Gerrit Hofsink

Right Where I Am: 1 year 7 months, 3wks and 5 days

I don't think I have responded to a theme or maybe I did one time with another blog. For some reason, I missed out on still life with circles blog until I dropped by out of curiosity. I was attracted to its posts and especially the topic. The shared topic is just like the title says, right where we are from the beginning of grief. As I ponder upon this,  I also remember today also happened to be the very FIRST BFP I ever had and that was my precious little girl, Josephine (Joey) - June 4, 2009. I am not good at remembering dates but my husband is.... so he remembered. He talked about what it would've felt like to walk down the aisle with Joey as we watched "The Father of the Bride" yesterday. He woke up this morning playing with our little dog on our bed and he thought about what it would be like to have his Joey wake him up in the morning. She would be 19 months old.... I'm so out of the loop with babies' developmental stages but I am assuming she would've been walking and saying some words or phrases. Every time I miss her, I imagine myself just holding her so tight...

The healing process would have been different if we had our rainbow baby by now. I think about where I would be if my life went differently. Where would I be if the miscarried baby could've made it to the due date of this month. No, I don't think I would've ever forgotten my daughter or stopped grieving. I think I feel more pain because of this infertility struggle. It is quite potent when you mix infertility and grief. It stings a little more every time you miscarry like I did back in November. Facebook has been the worst enemy. I feel a stab at my heart's desire and brokenness every time I see a picture of someone's newborn on FB. Trust me, I have stopped reading many newsfeeds but it finds a way to pop up through someone else's comments. "Deactivate" has been the best way to go.

My hubby and I have isolated ourselves from many friends or acquaintances. Why? Most of them have kids and what else is there to talk about with others besides their children. John's coworkers are getting pregnant and I feel increasingly "left behind." This burden of feeling "left behind" has never left me since the early years of infertility.... I thought I would become immune to pregnancy news, pregnant friends, pregnant strangers, pregnancy commercials, etcetera, etcetera one of these days.... But no, it doesn't just simply vanish and go away.

Four and a half years of TTC, sometimes I just say five years, I recall the summers of avoiding church activities or vacations thinking I would get pregnant "this month." Were those long summers just wasted? So here I am trying to be normal again as I feel ready to hang out with others. They will get to know the masked version of John and I if they don't know our story. We need friendships but not just any kind of friendships. We need friends who accept us where we are emotionally, who don't preach, or offer unsolicited advice. My defenses are still high due to some negative comments from the past. I am afraid to be transparent with those who never walked through infertility or loss because too often I would hear things I don't want to hear. Our social life has slowed down quite a bit. Will this all be turned around just because we have kids in the future? Maybe; maybe not.

By now, I have processed my guilt and have come into acceptance that Joey is not coming back. I wish I had all the medical answers I do now back in 2009. I also bounce to the stage of shock once in a while; I ask myself "Did I really lose my daughter and a miscarried baby?" It's surreal. It's unfathomable. I long for Joey but this year I find myself smiling more than crying at her cute footprint in my living room. Bottom line is I am at a place where I long to hold Joey in my arms and where I yearn to have rainbow children soon. I have one foot in the past and one foot in the future.

Letting Go

H.O.P.E.
Once again I was ready to TTC after recovering from the TAC surgery. It was scary to try again with the added risk of a C-section due to the TAC procedure.

Thankfulness
A dear BLM from my support group offered her follistim cartridge for free. She was pregnant and didn't need it anymore. It was encouraging.

    C-O-N-T-R-O-L
    I wanted this IUI cycle to be PERFECT.  Even though we can do the drills with our eyes closed by now I was still struggling for control. I panicked for a moment when we realized the follistim pen was NOT in the fridge like we thought it was supposed to be!!! My panic was relieved when we discovered that refrigeration was not necessary once the cartridge was pierced when my hubby googled it.
C-O-N-T-R-O-L  --- I wanted to tell God that this HAD to be it. Haven't we waited long enough? Haven't we suffered enough?

             Dis a point ment
            After thinking everything was going smoothly, there was a long eerie pause coming from  my good ol' sono tech. He is not the type of guy that talks much but seeing him for 2 years off and on, I have picked up on his gestures. When I hear him clicking on that sonogram machine and scanning repeatedly, I know SOMETHING is wrong. The longer he takes on that ultrasound, the more anxious I become. After he released a frustrated sigh, he told me my body had already ovulated. There was not going to be an IUI this cycle.

                           Frustration
                           I was ready for another IUI cycle today. The sonogram showed 3 cysts on my left ovary. One is acceptable for a treatment but more than one required a break. The medications stimulate more follicles and when those eggs are not released they expand into liquid filled cysts. I was told to wait it out since they typically go away after one cycle of break. I don't know if I am more frustrated or relieved. Relieved that I don't have to spend money. Relieved to take a break from those darn hormones which exhaust me physically and swallow me into a barrage of emotions. We will try naturally this cycle. I will let go of this self-defeating battle between me and mother nature. Let go, destress, focus, keep going, Patty.